Rubio Robot Engineers Program ‘Horrible Thoughts on Rape’ Into His Cerebral Matrix

GREENVILLE, NEW HAMPSHIRE — The Koch Institute of Governmental Commerce’s top computer programmers are “feverishly working” to program an updated algorithm into Senator Marco RubioTron 5000 (R-FL) ahead of the Republican primary in New Hampshire tomorrow.

“We’ve created a whole new set of talking points and ideologies that include really horrible thoughts on rape,” Phillip Morrison, lead programmer at the KIGC told our reporter.

Morrison said that viewers who tuned into the post-debate interview between Rubio and ABC host George Stephanopoulos got a “sneak peak” at the updated rhetoric.

“What the android put on display in the post-debate interview,” Morrison told us via Skype, “was the beta of his rape and incest subroutine in the abortion stored procedure.” Morrisonsaid that Republican engineers are taught there is a “fine line when programming politicians’ views on abortion” that must be walked. “You have to let the fundies know they are totally in the right for feeling their personal religious views should trump someone’s sexual autonomy,” Morris said, “while also trying to not look completely unhinged.” But, Morrison said, “usually the code just reverts back to ‘regressive’ mode and that’s when you get the legitimate rape error codes spewing out all over the place.”

During the interview with Stephanopoulos, Rubio told the ABC anchor that to him abortion “is not a political issue” and that a woman becoming pregnant after being raped is a”terrible situation,” but that he believes “a human being, an unborn child has a right to live, irrespective of the circumstances of which they were conceived.”

Morris said that line of rhetoric is particularly tricky to program.

“I mean, he’s basically saying that a rape victim should suck it up and carry her rapists offspring to full term,” Morris said, “if you just just come out and say that, you’re tarred and feathered. But when you can use platitudes about human rights and use emotionally charged terms, it’s amazing what people will let you get away with programming into politicobots!”

With just hours before voters in New Hampshire cast their primary ballots, Morrison says that they are hoping the new “highly fundamentalist rape and incest programming” will ensure Rubio success. He finished third in Iowa last week, but many feel he needs a much better showing in the Granite State, and his debate malfunction has rattled donors, according to some reports.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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