Roy Moore Comforting Himself With 14 Year Old…Bottle Of Rum

COUSIN LOVER, ALABAMA — It’s been a long and tough road as of late for former Alabama Judge Roy Moore.

During the Republican primary against fellow Luther Strange, the only allies Judge Moore had were those that Steven Bannon’s legion of loyal conservatives could muster. Even President Trump endorsed his opponent. Then, when Moore had bested Strange, Trump warmed to him publicly, only to have him grow distant again in the wake of a bomb shell report in The Washington Postdetailing the allegations of years of sexual impropriety with teenage girls. Eventually, Trump found his way back into Moore’s corner, and tried to help push the religious conservative who helped write Alabama’s anti-transgender bathroom bill over the finish line.

Ultimately, Moore lost a stinging, stunning defeat to Democrat Doug Jones. While the margin of defeat was small, it was large enough to not trigger an automatic recall in the state of Alabama. Judge Moore has yet to officially concede the election, despite the fact that the state’s secretary has said the results will be certified this month. Many have been left wondering how Moore will comport himself and cope with his defeat while he waits on possibilities of recounts, bleak as those hopes might be.

This morning, Moore answered some of those questions at a prayer breakfast.

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“Some people have come up to me in the last day or two, and have been so sweet, so kind,” Moore told the congregation of First Southern Baptist Church in a small Alabama town. “And they ask me, ‘Roy what are you doing to get through these dark times?'”

Judge Moore took a calming breath.

“Well, folks, I’m leaning on the Lord, first and foremost, as always. Secondly, I’m turning to one of my real guilty pleasures, if I’m being an honest — a 14 year old,” Moore hesitated ever so slightly, “bottle of rum. It’s a special bottle my wife and I bought back when it was really young rum, not more than ten or eleven years old. But we knew that was way too early to let something that young touch your lips. Best to be on the safe side, and be patient. Wait a couple years. 14 years has always just felt about right to me.”

The congregation nodded in agreement.

“I will be fine, folks. I have my faith. I have my guns. I have my deep abiding Christian principles, and I have my 14 year old,” Moore paused ever so slightly yet again, “bottles of rum, bourbon, and the such. Now, let’s bow our heads and pray to the one, true, American God.”

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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