Roy Moore Hopes To Bring His “Brand of Alabama Values And Pedophilia” To D.C.

CORN PINE, ALABAMA — Today, Alabamians are going to the polls to choose between a man accused by more than a dozen women of sexually molesting them when they were teenage girls three or four decades ago and what could be perhaps described as far worse, a Democrat. The race is being run to decide who gets Attorney General Jeff Keebler’s seat in the U.S. Senate, which he vacated when he became America’s Attorney General.

Judge Roy More, the man accused of preying on young girls in his twenties and thirties, called into a conservative talk radio program for the last time before his electoral fate will be decided, and told the show’s host he is feeling “calm, relaxed, but a little anxious” about the results. Mr. Moore said that he is “itchin’ to bring real Alabama values back to D.C.”

“Let me tell you something Joe, I am itchin’ to bring real Alabama values to D.C.” Moore told Joe Josephson, a conservative commentator and host of The Joe-Jo Show In The Mo-Mo. “Which of course by that I mean my brand of Alabama values and pedophilia, naturally.”

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Josephson asked Moore if he thought running a ticket of “prideful, boasting sexual predation” was a smart thing to do in the “#MeToo age.” Moore laughed at the suggestion.

“Would you tell the Holy Spirit he was wrong for statutorily raping the Virgin Mary, Joe? Of course you wouldn’t. Alabama voters are too smart to fall for such libtarded cuckery,” Moore told Josephson.

Current polling is widespread in terms of predicted outcome in the election. A Fox News poll released yesterday showed Doug Jones, Moore’s Democratic challenger, with a substantial 10-point lead. Other polls, however, have shown mixed results, ranging from Moore having a slight edge, to Jones taking it barely, all the way to a statistical dead heat. President Trump and former President Obama have also been attempting to sway voters in Alabama, recording robocalls for the candidates they endorse.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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