Roy Moore Turns Down Gift Of 18 Year Old Bourbon Because It’s Aged Too Much For His Liking

HASTERT, ALABAMA — The Roy Moore senate campaign has confirmed that it has returned a bottle of bourbon to the Alabama Republican Party because it was “too old” for the candidate’s tastes.

“Candidate Moore likes the taste of a good bourbon as much as anyone,” a campaign press release states, “but if anything gets too old, it loses its luster in the judge’s eyes, and therefore we had no other option but to return this very fine bottle of 18-year-old bourbon to the Alabama GOP.”

The Alabama Republican Party is sticking to its guns and continuing to back Judge Roy Moore for Senate. Despite mounting pressure for him to drop out after Moore was hit with a bombshell report from The Washington Post, alleging that he sexually preyed upon pubescent girls when he was a grown adult in his twenties and thirties, the Alabama GOP has gone on the offensive, warning politicians in their own party not to cross Moore.

“It would be a serious error for any current elected GOP official or candidate to publicly endorse another party’s candidate, an independent, a third party or a write in candidate in a general election as well,” said Alabama GOP chairperson Terry Lathan said in an interview with a newspaper in the state.

Lathan’s warning to Republicans comes as the party’s national apparatus cut off its funding to Moore’s campaign this week. Moore has also been ostracized by both Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and House Speaker Paul Ryan, and both men have called upon him to exit the race. Heretofore, Moore has rebuffed those requests outright.

“Maybe if this bourbon were 14, 15, or at most 15 and a half years old, Judge Moore would put his lips around it faster than you could say ‘sexual deviance, God knows that’s usually how he does things,” the campaign release explains. “But alas, this bourbon was far, far too old for Judge Moore to seriously consider dating — er — drinking it.”

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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