WASHINGTON, D.C. — A nervous and paranoid Donald Trump picked up the phone in the Oval Office and demanded that Chief of Staff John Kelly and Press Secretary Sarah Sanders come see him immediately, worried over the news he’d just heard about ABC canceling “Roseanne.”
“John! Sarah! So apparently Roseanne Barr tweeted that Valerie Jarett looked like an ape,” Trump said. “And then ABC fired her and canceled her show.”
Sanders and Kelly confirmed the news for Trump, who began to fight back tears.
“Does that…does that mean I should be worried? Can you get fired in this country for blasting racist opinions out on Twitter,” Trump asked, frantic worry creeping into his tone. “Can they really do that?
Kelly told the president ABC was completely within their rights to fire an employee, Ms. Barr, for her tweet. This news reportedly stung Mr. Trump deeply because he was so closely watching the success of the relaunched “Roseanne.” Trump famously touted the show’s ratings, intimating they were so high because of the titular character’s support of the Trump presidency.
“But surely they can’t punish a white for racist rants,” Trump said. “Not in MY America!”
The tears were barely staying in Trump’s eyes now. His lip quivered. Only a Diet Coke would calm his nerves, so he summoned one with his desk button. Reaching into the hot drawer he had installed in the Resolute Desk, Trump pulled a bucket of KFC from it, and started feverishly chomping down on the chicken.
“Can they…does that mean…I mean, if she can be fired for HER racist tweets,” Trump started to say, “then, what about me?”
Kelly and Sanders both laughed simultaneously.
“Mr. President, you have nothing to worry about,” Kelly said.”
“Really,” Trump asked.
“Really, sir,” Sanders said. “You can count bigly on it.”
Trump was feeling better, but still couldn’t shake the feeling he had.
“But, how can you be sure,” Trump asked.
“Sir, your racist tweets started back during the Obama administration, and no one fired you,” Kelly said. “Quite the opposite. You got hired BECAUSE of your racist tweets, Mr. President; you have nothing to worry about.”
Trump smiled, and farted, smiled and then farted again, smiled, then farted one last time.
“Oh yeah, I forgot, I am the one…and the minus-twelve.”
This is a developing story.