LA JOLLA, CALIFORNIA — Mitt Romney may be a candidate for President again in 2016. If so, has said that he would like his campaign to focus on the issue of poverty. Some feel that this is a new, bolder direction for Romney, but those who follow politics closely know that Romney’s previous two campaigns also focused on poverty; it’s just that this time Mitt’s wanting to focus on those actually living in poverty and not those who think poverty is a nickname for one of The Three Tenors. The man who gave us “The 47%” video in 2012 is now going to focus like a laser beam on helping lift Americans out of poverty.
“Look,” said Romney as he sat down to eat at his favorite breakfast spot in the beach community he lives in with his car elevator and dancing horse, “if anyone is well-suited to come up with ways to get people out of poverty, it’s the candidate who has the most experiencing stepping on people, pushing their faces down into poverty, as he cannibalizes companies he buys.” The twice-failed presidential candidate went on to say that his prowess in ending poverty could be compared to someone else’s skills, “John Wayne Gacy. I bet if anyone had asked that man, he’d have had all kinds of ways to keep people safe from homicidal clowns. Same thing with me. Sure, I have believed in and touted economic policies that help the super-wealthy and pretty much ignore everyone on the lower end of the spectrum, but I really, really want to be president and I am willing to say just about anything to make that happen.”
But if lip service is all you’d think you’d be getting from the man who won Fox Business’ 2013 reality show, “America’s Next Top Oligarch,” you’d be wrong. Pushing some egg whites across his plate, Mitt looked up, caught his wife Ann’s eye, and then said to our reporter, “In fact, I’m even willing to put my money my mouth is to fix this problem.” Pausing to sip his orange juice, Romney told us that he plans to make a significant impact the moment he is sworn into office in January of 2017.
“I have already contacted some ‘international business associates’ of mine at various banking institutions,” the Republican told us, “and I have already made arrangements that will trigger upon my taking of the oath of office.” Those arrangements, say Romney, will “lift a veil of totally Constitutional, totally patriotic, totally endorsed by my God who says that rich people are no better than poor people mechanisms that are keeping untold millions and millions of dollars hidden away from Uncle Sam and the IRS. I will then use that money I have unhidden,” he said, “to lift as many people out of poverty as possible. And, there’s more where that came from.”
Asked if he felt this made him seem like the rich guy who says he’ll help you fix your car but only if you profess your love of Satan too, Romney gave one of his trademark, pre-programmed outbursts of audible amusement and said, “No, no. I’m just doing what we super-rich are used to doing — holding my insane levels of wealth over your head as evidence of my superiority in all things, and offering up a tiny piece of what I can totally afford — since I literally could not spend all my money in the rest of my lifetime, my grandchildren’s lifetimes, or my entire after life on Planet Kolob — so I can rub my shit-eating, ‘I know more about everything than you’ grin in your face, that’s all.” Ann was absolutely beaming at this point.
We also asked Romney if his focus on poverty would have an impact on his economic proposals and he answered with an unequivocal, “Yes, absolutely,” and he continued, “Focusing on poverty will definitely impact my economic policies — I’ll have to make sure I slip the word ‘poverty’ in there for starters. Also, no, not really. I’ll still be a fan of tax policies that shift the burden of civilization from those who could more than easily afford it to those who are struggling to make ends meet and are always one catastrophe away from losing it all…like the founders meant it to be.”
Would Romney support tax laws that actually “un-hid” a portion of the the One Percent’s offshore, tax-sheltered money for them too, since he’s willing to do so if elected? “Of course not, my friend,” the prospective candidate said with a wry smile. “Me trying to buy the presidency and curry favor with the Poors by displaying my new empathy programming is in no way a prescription for fixing our problems back home. Clearly what’s still needed back home are the things I talked about last time out — slashing taxes on the wealthy, cutting spending on every program except the military, and of course my ‘make the poor people sing for their supper’ program where they would literally sing a song and get a couple scraps of bread. Then, maybe, we’d have unemployment under 6% and gas at less than $2.50 a gallon, by golly by gosh.”
When reminded by our reporter that unemployment is already under 6% and gas is even cheaper than $2.50 per gallon in many parts of the country, Mitt’s eyes glazed over, a blue screen with white text was seen in them briefly, and then he shivered, let out a squealing set of modem sounds and came back on-line, smiling warmly. Then Romney paid the check, shook our reporter’s hand, and left the restaurant, a trail of hundred dollar bills dropping from his pant legs as he got into one of his luxury sedans and drove away.