Roger Ailes Denies Gretchen Carlson’s Allegations Because He Knows ‘No One Would Fuck Me’

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — When former Fox News host Gretchen Carlson filed suit against the network’s chairman Roger Ailes, shock waves were felt throughout the media landscape. Over the weekend though, Ailes responded directly to Carlson’s allegations, and his defense is being seen as quite unique among legal experts.

“I didn’t sexually harass Gretchen or anyone else,” Ailes told conservative radio host Chip Bufferton on his Sunday morning show, “because I know that no one would fuck me.”

Ailes told Bufferton that when “someone looks at or listens to” him, it becomes “readily apparent that [he is] as desirable a lover as a bucket of vomit covered in AIDS blood.”

“Over the years, my news network — and I use that term almost as loosely as my jawline uses my jowls — has been the mouthpiece of misogyny, systemic racism, blind white nationalist outrage at minority groups, and any number of extremely repulsive social philosophies,” Ailes said, “so if I wasn’t a slug-faced, pale, vile bag of farts and anger to look at, you’d still have to hear the horrible stuff I say all the time, and I genuinely don’t get how anyone would want to sleep with that at all.”

Mr. Ailes said that he has considered sewing his mouth shut and even having a burlap sack surgically attached to his “odious mug” in an effort to “come off as more fuckable” but that ultimately he’s relied on what he called “God’s natural vaginal lubricant” — money — to get him into bed with women.

“Here’s the bottom line, really,” Ailes said as he wrapped up the interview with Bufferton, “I don’t have to sexually harass women. I can just buy them, literally and figuratively. I mean, sure, I could probably do and say all the horrible stuff that Gretchen and others have accused me of and then just cut a check to silence my victims, or threaten to end their careers if they speak out, but who am I? Bill Cosby? When’s the last time you saw anyone related to Fox News admit to having anything in common with a person of color who wasn’t either a moron like Hermain Cain or a violent, religious moron like Ben Carson?”

Then, after a brief pause, “I’m nothing like Cosby, and all those uppity, stuck-up broads know it,” Ailes shouted into the phone before Bufferton cut to commercial.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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