Roger Ailes, Bill Cosby To Embark On Joint Speaking Tour

NEW YORK, NEW YORK, — Former Fox News CEO Roger Ailes and former respected comedian Bill Cosby have announced they will be setting out on a fourteen week speaking engagement tour around the country. Billed as the ” ” tour, Ailes and Cosby will crisscross the country speaking to, according to the press release, “groups of young women as large as possible, even if it’s against their will to be there.” The theme of the talks will be “how to make sure the powerful, rich man in your life is as happy as humanly possible.”

“We each had our own methods,” Ailes said in an email statement accompanying the announcement of the tour, “but Bill and I both had the same fundamental goal. Which was to help the women in our lives make us as happy as possible, even when — especially when — they didn’t want to have anything much to do with us.”

Aliles has been at the center of a firestorm of controversy and scandal after long-time Fox News anchor Gretchen Carlson sued him for sexual harassment following her departure from the network. As the weeks have moved on from the initial announcement of Carlson’s lawsuit, an internal corporate investigation is starting to lead many within 21st Century Fox to speculate that a slew of settlements will arise from the aftermath.

Cosby was at one time one of the most respected elder statesmen in comedy. He had worked in the entertainment industry since the 1950’s, and had been the star of a handful of television shows. He was widely considered one of the most honorable and family-friendly comedians of all time. Until, that is, in 2014 when comedian Hannibal Burress made references to Cosby’s sexual behavior toward women. This touched off an avalanche of women coming out to add their voice to the chorus accusing him of over five decades of abuse.

Agents for Cosby and Ailes met at a cocktail hour hosted by the American League of Defense Attorneys. It was quickly determined, sources close to the tour say, that Ailes and Cosby had “way more in common,” according to one highly placed source, than they had initially thought. A meeting was setup between Cosby and Ailes, and the pair decided to “double-team it,” according to Ailes’ email, and set out on a tour across the country, giving women advice on how to make the wealthy and powerful men in their lives happy.

“We put the ideas in the old conversation,” Cosby told reporters at a press conference earlier this morning, “and then we put the conversation into a place of making the decisions. Which meant I had to ask my wife CAMILLE if it was okay with her that I go out with Roger and talk to the ladies about the making of their men happy and ahhhhhhhhhhh, that was fine with CAMILLE.”

The “Taking It (You Know, Advice) From Roger and Bill” tour will start this fall. Tickets will be available on or at the box office.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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