Rod Rosenstein Takes Barr’s Phallus Out of His Mouth So He Can Criticise Comey Easier

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Office of the Inspector General has released a report that harshly criticizes former FBI Director James Comey for his actions during the first few months of President Donald Trump’s tenure in office. The report knocks Comey for stepping outside of FBI norms in his handling of memos written after he had conversations with the president, and for certain actions taken leading up to his firing by Trump. However, the report does not document any laws that were broken by Comey in the process.

On Twitter, Comey addressed the report. Comey reiterated that the inspector general report found he didn’t release any classified materials. He also seemed to indirectly take a jab at Trump and others who have called him a “leaker” or a “liar” in the past, and said an apology “would be nice.”

In a more direct hit at Trump, Comey intimated that the president has been feeding his supporters “bad info” about him and other things.

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Adding a wrinkle to this dramatic saga, now retired former Attorney General Rod Rosenstein waded into the morass on Twitter himself. Though Mr. Rosenstein didn’t name Comey directly, he seemed to emphasize parts of the report that cast Comey as someone operating outside department norms. Comey did famously announce to the world that the FBI had been investigating former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, just weeks before her campaign against Trump reached its conclusion during the election

Rosenstein’s tweet was met with a “ratio” — a term used when the angry and vitriolic comments on a tweet far outnumber the “likes” and retweets of it — heavily for his criticism of Comey. Many pointed out that Rosenstein let Attorney General Bill Barr run roughshod over the conclusions in the Mueller Report, and literally stood silent as Barr cherry picked the report to create his now infamous summary instead, framing Trump as being ultimately exonerated, even though Mueller specifically said he couldn’t do that.

Mr. Rosenstein, perhaps feeling some public pressure, quickly convened a news conference. When the press arrived, they found Rosenstein in a small, dimly lit room. Attorney General Barr’s penis was firmly implanted in Rosenstein’s mouth. As the press conference began, Rosenstein tried to continue his criticism of Comey.

“Look…everyone, um,” Rosentstein stammered, trying to adjust Barr’s semi-turgid, veiny member enough to make his words clear and understandable, “Comey is clearly the worst one in the whole…shebang…he…is…obviously…worse…than…the…preside…damnit, hang on.”

Rosenstein pulled Barr’s dick out of his mouth. Barr got a look of confused anger in his eyes and he pointed down at his crotch, raising an eyebrow. Rosenstein sighed.

“Oh, alright,” he said, putting Barr’s penis back in his mouth. “Um. sho…whatwas…I…saying? Oh…right…Comey’s…the…realjerk…here.”

For fifteen minutes, Rosenstein tried and tried to get his words out while simultaneously keeping Barr’s phallus in his cheeks as well. It wasn’t working out. out of exasperation, he pulled Barr’s penis out of his mouth one last time and spoke quickly, shoving it back in his face when he was done.

“Jim Comey is the real bad guy here because even though he was in a truly insane setting that he kind of had a hand in creating, and even though he largely was vindicated by the Mueller Report,” Rosenstein breathlessly, “he didn’t follow all the FBI guidelines when he was trying to warn the entire country what a corrupt, lying, deceitful, egomaniac we have in the Oval Office. Sure, my old boss, this guy whose penis I’m about to re-suck, he trampled all over norms too, but, well, I don’t know, Comey’s the real bad guy, not Trump, or this beautiful hunk of man meat right here in front of me! Oh golly gosh, I can’t wait! Here…we…”

Rosenstein paused. He closed his eyes, momentarily breaking the charade that he was enjoying his snack of Barr’s cock.


Barr smiled wide, and looked at everyone.

“It’s good to be the king’s personal enabler,” Barr said with a wan smile.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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