RNC Hires Top Engineers to Extend Conservative Media Bubble Across Entire Country

LAKE LARMES-SALÉES, WISCONSIN — Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus at time of publication is confirming that the RNC has hired “several top engineers” and has “spared no expense” in drafting plans to extend the Conservative Media Bubble, or CMB, to cover the entirety of the United States of America.

The CMB was first deployed on October 7th, 1996 and it was designed to contain all the right-wing rhetoric in the country. Dr. Ray Rongan, who was one of the first engineers to work on the CMB, told the mainstream media at the time that his bubble “would revolutionize the way conservatives are spoon-fed talking points as facts.” In Dr. Rongan’s wildest dreams though, he could not have foreseen how large the original CMB would be extended over the next nearly 20 years. As Fox News’ ratings grew, the need for a larger and larger bubble was ever-present.

“You gotta remember,” Bill O’Reilly told Tech Magazine in 2004 after the CMB had been extended another 200 square miles, “we’re not only keeping all the right-wing rhetoric in, we’re keeping reality out. No one has any real clue how much effort it takes to keep convincing people that the problem with our corrupt government is the government, and not the people whose money is being shoveled into the politicians’ pockets.” O’Reilly said in that interview that “it’ll get bigger and bigger until one day conservatives will literally not know how to function outside of it.”

Priebus, it would seem, has recognized the foreshadowing in that O’Reilly interview, and has decided the CMB has to be extended. “What we say in that horrible CNBC debate was what happens when conservative Republicans are tasked with interacting with people outside the CMB. We saw what happens when they are asked tough questions we didn’t pre-approve, and the worst part is that we exposed our candidates and voters to what people outside the CMB think of our rhetoric,” after a moment Priebus then said, “and that clearly has to change.”

“This Conservative Media Bubble is vital to the preservation of our party,” Priebus told reporters at a weekend press conference, “and obviously the CNBC debate exposed some major weaknesses in its design. We thought when we’d patched up the thermal exhaust port just below the main port that we’d taken care of all its inherent design flaws, but some questions of substance somehow snuck through to our candidates.” Priebus said he was “grateful that Ted Cruz was able to jump on the grenade and get everyone focused on the moderators instead of all our candidates’ hesitancy to answer real questions about real issues.”

Preibus told reporters, “Sequestering Republican voters from the truth is the only way we’re going to get America back from the liberal agenda of equality of opportunity. If we can’t keep our voters away from the reality of life — that Hillary Clinton didn’t personally order the entire U.S. Armed Forces to stand down during Benghazi, or that the IRS targeted progressive Super PACs too, or that Planned Parenthood was only getting reasonable compensation for the costs associated with handling biomedical waste — then we are doomed as a party. This bubble must be fixed, it must be maintained, and it must forever shield we Republicans from the truth — that people outside our party think we represent busted-ass ideas of the past. That bubble will stay up, or my name isn’t Reince Anrepeat Preibus!”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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