Rittenhouse Suing Anyone Who Says He’s a Murderer Just Because He Murdered Two People

LAKE MATALOS, ILLINOIS — In 2020, acquitted murderer Kyle Rittenhouse murdered two people during a chaotic night of protests that turned violent in Kenosha, Wisconsin. Despite not being a full-time resident of the city, Rittenhouse, now an acquitted murderer, went there armed, despite telling courts later he was only there to help render first aid and to protect property.

By the end of the night, Rittenhouse had murdered two of the three people he shot that night. Claiming self-defense after going into a hostile and violent situation with a long gun, Rittenhouse was ultimately acquitted of murdering the people who he most definitely murdered, despite not being a lawfully sanctioned officer of the law.

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However truthful it may be that Kyle Rittenhouse is a murderer, Americans should take note and be cautious when exercising their freedom of speech to call him a murderer. Unless, of course that is, they want to run afoul of Rittenhouse’s new organization, “The Media Accountability Project.” The MAP was created specifically to sue outlets that labeled Rittenhouse a murderer only because he actually murdered two people.

Speaking to Tucker Carlson last night, Rittenhouse explained why he’s planning to sue people like Whoopi Goldberg and large media outlets.

Acquitted double murderer Kyle Rittenhouse on the night he murdered two people.

“It’s not fair of them to call me a murderer just because I literally murdered two people! Don’t they realize I got off? What was the point of my judge working with my attorneys to convince the jurors that it was totally rad of me to grab my gun and start shooting libtards, if those cucks can just call me a murderer until the day I die?!”

Rittenhouse began openly sobbing, and Carlson waited a few minutes for him to calm down.

Rittenhouse admitted to Carlson that he did, in fact, not have legal authorization to be rounding up protesters that night. He went so far as to acknowledge that if someone had shot his friend in a similar situation he’d want justice for his friends because “vigilantes aren’t cops.” However, Rittenhouse reiterated the necessity to sue people for saying he’s a murderer, simply because he murdered two people and then convinced a jury not to hold him accountable for murdering two people.

“Me murdering two people and then getting let go because of a semantic argument about whether or not I had a right to defend my life after threatening other peoples’ lives is not an excuse for people to correctly call me an acquitted murderer, Tuck!”

Mr. Rittenhouse already has some very famous friends backing his new media accountability group. Friends that even include famous Hall of Fame football players.

“I commend young Mr. Kyle for starting his foundation, and I will contribute to it often, as well as take advantage of any legal services they offer,” OJ Simpson told Fox News this morning. “It’s just so wrong that you can kill two people, get off because the legal system is a charade, and then people get to just keep reminding everyone that you got away with murder, and I’m glad Kyle has to guts to punish people for telling the absolute truth.”

Acquitted double-murderer Kyle Rittenhouse did not provide a comment on this story.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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