We Asked Doctors and EMTs to Explain How Rittenhouse Could Render First Aid With His AR-15

A key component of accused double-murderer Kyle Rittenhouse’s defense has been painting the teenaged male as someone whose overwhelming worry about the riots taking place in Kenosha, Wisconsin, drove him to go there looking to help, primarily by rendering first aid.

This theme in Rittenhouse’s defense has raised eyebrows. Many have wondered why he would feel the need to bring an AR-15 semiautomatic rifle to Kenosha, if his purpose was to act as a medic. Rittenhouse has said he was there to defend friends’ property from rioters who had overtaken a protest of the killing of a black man by Kenosha police.

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Given the controversy, our editorial staff believed it might be best to seek some answers from those likely most qualified to give them. We contacted a handful of top medical professionals — doctors and EMTs — to give us their thoughts, and to tell us how, exactly, and AR-15 is a useful tool when it comes to rendering first aid. But they were all busy, so we had to try several tiers lower, and settled for anyone we could find, ultimately.

What follows is a sampling of their responses.

Dr. Art Simon 

“Well, I lost my license to practice medicine when I started prescribing shoving a tube up your butt and blasting it with light for COVID-19, but I know for a fact you can use an AR-15 to restart someone’s heart. First, you blow a hole in the patient, using the AR-15. Then you put a new heart in. BOOM! Surgeried.”

Susan Susanovich, EMT

“If I’m not mistaken, I believe that an AR-15 can be used in emergency, when you have a cut. All you do is put the muzzle of the gun up to the wound, and pull the trigger. I promise you, the papercut will no longer be of any concern.”

Dr. Ralph Booshkuve

“If you’re not a little ANTIFA soyboybetacuck, you can use the AR-15 for just about every single medical need that might arise. Need a liver transplant? BLAMMO! No, you don’t anymore! Caught a case of COVID and you’re too chickenshit and/or brainwashed to take ivermectin or shoot up bleach? BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! No more COVID.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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