COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Self-proclaimed right-wing provocateur Jethro Bohiggins hosts three podcasts on his YouTube channel that are oriented for similarly conservative audiences. Since he started his channel, Jethro has played host to some of the most prominent conspiracy theorists of the time. After every mass shooting event, Bohiggins brings on Colonel Dr. Hank Henrison, who is neither an actual colonel in any armed service, nor a credentialed doctored in either the medical or academic sense.
During last night’s episode of “We’re Not Biased, You Just Don’t Get How Facts Work, Libtards,” Bohiggins and Henrison discussed the shooting at YouTube’s headquarters in San Bruno, California. The shooter, a 39 year old woman who was found dead of an apparent self-infliected gunshot wound, also had a YouTube channel. In many of her videos, the YouTube shooter rages against the social media video sharing platform, claiming her videos were demonetized because of their content. The shooter also described herself as a member of PETA — People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals — and a vegan, both facts that Bohiggins and Henrison both said prove that liberals are all “violent anti-gunners who use guns to enforce their unrealistic pacifist ways.”
“Think about it. They all hate guns so much this woman used one to kill people because her ultra-left wing ideology wasn’t being supported by YouTube,” Bohiggins said to Henrison. “And while I totally sympathize with her hatred of YouTube, because everyone knows I’ve had so many very real investigative journalism videos in which I stalk women going into Planned Parenthood and follow what are very clearly illegal Mexicans — or some other non-white variant — home from the grocery store either demonetized or removed completely, but violence ain’t the way…unless we’re talking about shooting cops and military we assume are fighting for the Soros Liberation Front, of course.”
Col. Dr. Henrison completely agreed with Bohiggins and said there was something else “extremely disturbing” about liberals’ reactions to the shooting.
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“I’ll tell you this much Jethro,” Henrison said, “after every mass shooting, you can’t throw a rock at conservative corners of the Internet without hitting at least sixty different people pushing one conspiracy or another. Hell, we even see brave patriots boldly standing up for the truth — that 99% of these events are either false flags that never happened, or involve crisis actors to pump up the hysteria. But where are the libtards denying that this incident happened, or insisting that the shooter is actually a registered Republican because they saw it on 4chan?”
Bohiggins agreed with Henrison.
“You know what it is? Laziness. They’re all so addicted to government, they need the government to feed their conspiracy theory talking points to them,” Bohiggins said smugly. “I could wake up and shit out fifteen unhinged, fact-deficient theories about this shooting, if I wanted to. I mean, I don’t have to because unlike every other shooting, this one clearly happened because it was a left-winger who did it, but you get my point, Col. Dr.”
James‘ satire is also available on Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, and The Pastiche Post.
