Rick Scott: “Once Republican Votes Are Counted, There’s No Need to Continue Counting”

LAKE NOSFERATU, FLORIDA — This week, President Donald Trump weighed in via Twitter on two election recounts currently underway in Florida. Mr. Trump’s tweet demanded that the recounts

currently being tabulated in the governor’s race and the race for one of its two Senate seats be stopped immediately, and the Republicans in the contest be declared the winners.

Mr Trump’s tweet is seen below.

Outgoing Governor Rick Scott is currently leading Sen. Bill Nelson (D) in the aforementioned senate race by an ever-shrinking margin. While Mr. Trump and Mr. Scott have implied that ballots are being forged, even the Republican state attorney general has said no evidence of vote fraud has been found, and rather the “new votes” being referred to by Scott and Trump are simply mail-in ballots that have yet to be officially counted.

Gov. Scott, speaking to reporters this morning in front of an IHOP, told the press that he is “disgusted” by the Democrats’ insistence on “counting every vote like that even matters in America.”

“This stubborn insistence on counting every vote cast is a dangerous precedent,” Scott told reporters. “Frankly, once Republican votes are counted, there’s no need to continue counting. We all know the only valid votes are the ones cast by good, clean, ammo hoarding, non-immigrant patriots for Republicans. I’m not even sure why we let Democrats think their votes count, but it’s kind of cruel to keep stringing them along, don’t you think?”

Reached for comment, President Trump said he agrees with Scott “bigly and completely” and even hinted at a new executive order that might be aimed at addressing this very issue.

“Maybe we’ll sign an order declaring all Republican votes worth twice as much as Democrat votes,” Trump said. “Kinda like an Electoral College type deal but for all elections. Either that or we make being a Democrat illegal, which is what Stephen Miller’s really pushing fore.”

This story is developing.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This