THE LAKE OF FIRE, HELL, ETERNITY — Deep within the bowels of Hell, former President Richard Nixon was seen quietly but furiously masturbating and watching Fox News. On the hellish television set, Nixon was watching news that alleged President Donald J. Trump fired FBI Director James Comey.
“Wait,” Nixon said his right hand pumping up and down on a deflated, semi-flaccid penis, “we can do that? We can fire…the…FBI director?”
In what is sure to be a development that will rock the United States as well as the rest of the world, Trump fired Comey, and in the termination letter seemed to imply that Comey had told the president directly he was not under investigation. In fact, the paragraph says Comey told Trump three separate times he wasn’t under investigation.
“Holy shit,” Nixon said, his left hand taking over, tugging and pulling and pulling and tugging at his Tricky Dick, “that’s fucking brilliant. The little orange shit head just gave himself even more cover with that ‘You told me we were cool’ shit. Stroke of…fucking…genius…there.”
The White House has said that the search for a permanent replacement for Comey will begin immediately. Comey’s termination came at the suggestion of Attorney Jeff Sessions, who made the recommendation while he was finishing up work on his KKK Fudge Cookie line, due out from Keebler in the fall.
“Goddamnit,” Mr. Nixon bellowed, his hands going numb from the non-stop activity in his empirically disgusting nether regions,”I cannot fucking believe I never thought to fire Clarence Kelley! Maybe I could have squeezed another few weeks out of the presidency! Damnit!”
Pundits and politicians are already weighing in on the move, many of them raising red flags. Trump’s critics say that in firing the man who was investigating his administration’s ties to Russia before, during, and after last year’s election, the president has only heaped more gasoline onto an already raging inferno of speculation. Nixon, however, wasn’t thinking about any of that in the moment.
“Serves me right,” Nixon said, “for having respect for the office and the country just enough to not go full tin-horn dictator. Oh well, at least this guy’s from my party. Talk about a win!”
President Nixon finished, splashing his angry, treacherous, power-hungry seed all over the TV screen, where it slid down an image of Trump’s seven chins.
The fall of western civilization is expected to reach record levels of television ratings over the next few weeks and months.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.