Rich Guy Buying An Election Explains Why $38k/Day For Sanders’ Secret Service Is Outrageous

LARKSPUR, SOUTH DAKOTA — Oil tycoon Richard Cashman is furious at a report he ready in The Washington Post that indicated it costs taxpayes $38,000 a day to maintain the Secret Service detail assigned to Senator Bernie Sanders, even though Hillary Clinton is the presumed Democratic nominee. Cashman says that Sanders is “acting irresponsibly” with the taxpayer funds and that he should “get out of the way so we can get down the business of closing escrow on the next presidency.”

“It’s morally outrageous that Sanders would keep using the services of people who are already working for the Secret Service anyway,” Cashman said, “because even though Sanders really isn’t costing taxpayers any additional money since it’s highly unlikely more agents were hired, vetted and assigned details on Sanders’ campaign just for this election season, it can spun as such, can’t it? I mean, what’s the point of shouting ‘Ooga Booga!’ at someone if you’re not doing it based on a distorted, out of context factoid?”

Cashman, while filling out a stack of checks that would be sent to various SuperPACs across the country, said that he found it “morally repugnant” that Sanders hasn’t conceded the race yet, and that it’s “highly offensive” to him that just because Clinton hasn’t technically secured the number of pledged delegates she needs and that while Sanders is “helping to keep the party platform anchored further left” none of that is as important as him and his friends buying the government they think all Americans need and want.

“Granted, next to the tens — if not hundreds — of millions of dollars that people like me will spend on this election in a brazen attempt to ensure that the government is still heavily influenced by what they want first and foremost what we spend on Bernie’s security is a drop in the bucket,” Cashman said, “but what’s more disgusting to you? Someone fighting hard for the millions of people who have donated to his campaign, or a handful of people donating millions to purchase the favor of the federal government?”

Reached for comment, Susan Brownstone, Chief Deputy Media Outreach Assistant for the Sanders campaign scoffed at both the Washington Post piece and Cashman’s concerns.

“Do Sanders supporters not pay taxes either,” Brownstone asked rhetorically, “and is Bernie Sanders not entitled to the same protection of his life that Hillary and Trump are, no matter how long he stays in? It seems kind of ridiculous to be morally outraged by $38,000 a day being paid to the same people who’d be working anyway, just for a different candidate, when much more money than that is being dumped into campaign coffers by super-powerful interests with more money than God with the sole purpose of effectively owning our government, doesn’t it?”

Senator Sanders has vowed to take his campaign all the way to the Democratic National Convention in Cleveland this summer, which means from now until then U.S. taxpayers will spend approximately as much on Sanders’ security detail as one or two of Cashman’s SuperPACs will spend on one commercial in one key area of one key state.

“All I’m saying is just think about the good things all that money could be spent on,” Cashman said as he stuffed large bundles of unmarked bills into a burlap sack with ELECTION 2016 stamped onto it, “and he says he’s a champion of the people? Pfffft.”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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