Republicans Advance Bill Allowing USPS to Open Mail Then Gather and Sell Private Information

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just hours after voting to allow Internet service providers to sell customers’ private information to other companies, House Republicans advanced another bill out of committee that would allow American citizens’ private information to be obtained without their knowledge and sold without their permission, this time by the United States Postal Service.

“The Postal Reconnaissance and Obtainment Is Tolerated Act will help the post office finally make good on what it was intended to do,” Congressman Thom Thompaulsen (R) told reporters this morning, “and that of course it to make tons and tons of money, of course.”

The PROFIT act would authorize postal carriers to open any and all mail they suspect might contain private information. This information can then be legally culled from the mail opened, curated, and sold to the highest bidder. Rep. Thompaulsen says the GOP understands “better than anyone” how important it is to “put profits over principles.”

“Money is really the only thing that matters,” Thompaulsen said, “and it’s right there in the Constitution. It’s all, like, ‘promote the general welfare, and maximize profits for Corporate Americans.’ So when you put Republicans in charge of all three branches of government, you better believe we’re going to bring this country more in-line with what its founders envisioned — a government of the corporations, by the corporations, for the corporations.”

Thompaulsen says that “someone has to think of the poor corporations,” and that Republicans are brave enough to to do just that.

“For for too long, there has been a forgotten segment of the American population,” Thompaulsen insisted, “and last year, the people spoke when they elected Donald Trump and gave his party control over all three branches of government. The message from them was clear — take care of the forgotten ones. So we’re going to do just that, and Corporate Americans can rest assured the Republican Party is now and always will be looking out for them first, and everyone else way, way, way, way later.”

Reporters asked Rep. Thompaulsen if he thinks allowing ISPs to sell Americans’ private data, or allowing postal workers to open your mail and gather their information, is some kind of violation of the Fourth Amendment. Legal scholars have long held the right to privacy is contained in the Fourth Amendment’s definitions of lawful and unlawful search and seizure of a citizens’ property. Thompaulsen waved those concerns off.

“Constitutional conservatism doesn’t mean honoring the spirit of the Constitution,” Thompaulsen said, “it means using the Constitution to justify your conservatism, even if using it only means mentioning it and not really using anything within it to justify your argument. Duh, people. Fuckin’ duh.”

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) said he is “outraged” by this law, though as a Democrat he probably “won’t do much about it” because he’s got some of the same corporate backers as Thompaulsen.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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