Republicans Seethe as Obama’s Communist Assault on Economy Adds 215k New Jobs

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressional Republicans are not happy at this hour, and word has leaked that a special emergency closed-door meeting is being held this weekend to discuss what Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) called “an unconscionable communist assault” on the U.S. economy, led by President Barack Obama (D-Kenya).

“The Labor Department’s job growth numbers were released today,” McConnell told reporters outside his office this morning, “and that socialist dictator had the audacity to oversee yet another in a long line of months with significant private sector job growth.” Senator McConnell was referring to the March 2016 report from the Department of Labor that showed 215,000 new jobs were created in the month, though the overall unemployment number ticked up a tiny bit to 5%.

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) told reporters at a prayer breakfast he was attending at a local Denny’s that he was “alarmed and highly suspicious” of the numbers. He said that while it was “good on some level” that nearly a quarter million people got jobs last month, with a Democrat in the White House, those jobs were “probably all at abortion clinics and gay marriage wedding chapels” and not “good, clean, patriotic, low-wage jobs that force you to take at least three of them to pay your bills.”

“Granted, these numbers have been put together the same way for decades,” Ryan said, “for both Democratic and Republican presidents. But that doesn’t matter, clearly. Something is up with these numbers, and I am almost positive Hillary Clinton is involved. Which is why I have tasked Trey Gowdy with adding this inquiry to his Benghazi committee’s agenda.”

Reached for comment, Rep. Gowdy told us that he was “very much looking forward to getting to the bottom” of the employment numbers.

“Clearly there is some large cover-up going on,” Gowdy said, “and the lack of evidence is the best evidence you could hope for. Believe me, as much as we conservatives say government can’t do anything right, and constantly ruins things and fails, we know for a fact it’s able to keep large, multifaceted conspiracies against the American people going on for decades because of reasons and George Soros and democracy and blip blop blope.”

When Obama took office in 2009, the country was losing several hundred thousand jobs a month, and the unemployment rate peaked at 10% that year. There have been more than 60 months of consecutive private sector job growth and the unemployment rate has since been cut in half, or more depending on the month.