Republicans Race to Make Democrat Voting Illegal by 2024

If the Republican Party learned one thing in the 2020 election cycle, it’s that they really don’t like elections unless they can very narrowly control who is allowed to vote. Thanks to the pandemic, many states extended access to voting by mail, and the results were pretty conclusive. A reliably red state enclave like Georgia elected two Democratic Senators, and the Democrats managed to knock off an incumbent president, making him the first one-tem chief executive in over 20 years.

According to accounts from within the national party, the GOP has begun taking steps to remove their biggest obstacle to retaking the White House in 2024 — making it completely illegal to vote for Democrats.

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“We’ve tried everything we could to keep the melanin-havers, the socialist betacuck Millennials, and other groups we don’t consider to be real Americans from the ballot boxes,” GOP Vice-Chair Tom Thompaulsen told colleagues in a leaked voicemail. “Clearly, though, we’re gonna have to do more.”

Thompaulsen laid out the GOP strategy for the next several months. First, all over the country, GOP operatives will begin working with state legislatures to make registering as a Democrat a felony. Then, to be sure they’ve “lit all the crosses and dotted all the I’s,” Thompaulsen says Republicans intend to pass a few more election-related laws.

“We will also work on passing laws that legalize insurrections,” Thompaulsen said, “and pass laws that make it illegal to count votes higher than MAGA-mericans can count themselves. It’s very unfair to let Democrats get millions of votes when most MAGAs can’t count to twenty-one with the zippers up.”

Thompaulsen also confirmed that the GOP has partnered with ISIS to “synergize and pool resources. As we reported last week, ISIS set up a sign-up booth at CPAC this year, and they were quite surprised how many people in MAGA gear joined their ranks.

“All we had to do is get on a bullhorn and tell people we were taking volunteers to storm the capitol again,” the ISIS employee told us, “and the next thing we know, we were flooded with people wanting to help us. When we told them that we too wanted to see America as it is today ended, they were climbing over themselves to get to our booth.” (AltFacts)

The Republican nominee for president has won the popular vote exactly once since the turn of the last century.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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