Republican Voter ‘Majorly Turned Off’ by Lack of Genital Talk, Booger Eating in Dem Debate

STONE CLIFF, MISSISSIPPI — Matthew Lee is a Republican voter, but he says he always “taken great pride” in exposing himself to the Democratic Party’s platform and politicians, and he watched the CNN-hosted debate between Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) and former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton over the weekend. Lee told us that the the debate left him feeling “majorly turned off” to the Democrats.

“They were on that stage for like two hours,” Lee told our reporter, “and I didn’t hear Clinton talk about her clit hood or Sanders mention his schlong one time!”

Mr. Lee told us that the Republican debates have been “really exciting” and “very presidentialist” because they have devolved into shouting matches and have featured presidential candidates taking shots at each other over one another’s genital and hand size. Lee said the GOP debates remind him of  the “famous debates between Douglass and that war criminal Abe Lincoln” just “without all the intellectualism and debate of actual, substantive issues.”

“American patriots don’t need their candidates standing in front of them for two hours debating the issues that face us today,” Lee said, “they need candidates to act like immature adolescents and talk about about their dongs! It’s in the damn constitution for a reason. The right of the people to be distracted by an idiotic dog and pony show of a political party shall not be infringed!”

Matthew told us that he was also highly disturbed by something else that was missing in the Democratic debate.

“No one ate a single booger,” he said. Lee was referring to the fact that Senator Cruz seemed to eat something that came out of his nose and hung on his lip for a few moments during the last Republican debate. “What kind of debate over who will be our next president is complete without a candidate slurping some disgusting piece of bio-matter into his mouth after it had somehow escaped from his mouth,” Lee asked rhetorically, “a Demcocratic crappy one, that’s what.”

Ultimately, Lee said he knew he wasn’t going to be swayed by either candidate, but he was hoping at least one of them would focus for a few minutes on their genitalia, or the genitalia of their opponent.

“Would it have killed Hillary to bring up Bernie’s dick,” he asked, “would it have been so hard for Sanders to insult Clinton’s labia and then hork a booger into his hand and eat it? My God, no wonder the Democrats are doing so badly! They’re not pandering to the stupid people in America. Like commies would do.”


James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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