STURGEON SPRINGS, KANSAS — Kent Ryan is a 42 year old self-described conservative Republican and he is not at all concerned about the chaos that is seemingly gripping his party at the moment. Ryan is “pleased as all get out” in his words that Donald Trump has already forced Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker — a man many considered to be a favorite for the nomination just a few months ago — out of the race and he hopes “the other RINOs will go with [Walker].” According to Ryan, when Speaker of the House John Boehner recently announced he would resign his Congressional seat, many pundits felt that signaled the tumult gripping the Republicans was only going to get worse, but for Ryan, he couldn’t be more excited, and he told The Political Garbage Chute he “can’t wait to see which douchebag” replaces Boehner.
“Oh man, there are so many douchebags to choose from, too,” Ryan told our reporter as they sat down for lunch at the local Chik-Fil-A in Ryan’s home town of Sturgeon Springs, Kansas. Ryan says that “it’s so exciting that there really are very few rules” governing who can be elected as Speaker of the House. “It don’t even need to be someone in an elected office,” Ryan pointed out. He said that in his “cream dream scenario” Sarah Palin would be given the job because “if anyone knows how to effectively lead, it’s someone who quit half-way through the most important job she’s ever been given.” But barring a Palin speakership, Ryan has says “the douchebag sky is the limit.”
“There’s Louie Gohmert from Texas,” Ryan said, “that guy is strident in his devotion to right-wing conspiracy theories about Obama’s heritage, so he’d be great to lead the GOP. Then there’s Teddy Cruz. Ain’t no rule against Senators running the House, and since Republicans in the lower chamber clearly defer to him for their rhetoric and political theatrics, I think they should let ol’ Ted run things for awhile. Imagine how much won’t get done! Boehner was alright at completely stopping government from performing, but Teddy’s already shut the government down once, maybe he could just shut it down permanently! How great would that be,” Ryan asked rhetorically.
Ryan said that “as long as it’s a douchebag — any douchebag” that the Republicans in Congress will “do a better job of keeping their base happy.” Ryan said “it takes a real douchebag to think their religious beliefs give them permission to oppress people” and it “takes a tremendously large douchebag to actually imply that the Iraq War was a success, and that we need more wars just like it to make ourselves a great nation once again.”
“The kinds of douchebags that think and say those things aren’t Democrats anymore,” Ryan said, “they’re Republicans. Only Republicans have the courage to be the douchgebags America needs right now,” Mr. Ryan said, adding that, “we need a douchebag brave enough to tell poor people they’re not working hard enough, not that rich people have managed to game the system into not paying what they should” and that “we need a douchebag who can tell the scientists in their science caves that we aren’t falling for the climate change hoax that 97% of them are all clearly in on.”
Douchebags, Ryan says, “are the people who have always made this nation great.” Douchebags like “George Wallace who was brave enough to stand up for every citizen’s right to not serve people just because they look different,” Ryan said are what’s needed now. “The douchebags in this country are tired of being told we’re not allowed to tell people of color when racism is over, just because we’re white and literally never experience racism,” Ryan said, continuing to add that “douchebags in this country are tired of poor, actual people getting welfare when we all know the only people in this country who deserve it are corporations.”
“The bottom line is that until this country starts listening to us douchebags again,” Ryan said, “we’re going to just keep getting more and more ‘tolerant’ of people, and if we’re not careful, we might actually fundamentally change for the better, and this douchebag will not give up fighting against that horrid notion.”