Republican Man Buys Gun So He Can Worry About Obama Coming For It

GREEN HILLS, LOUISIANA — When 28-year-old John Jessup entered the Liberty Ammo and Gun Emporium in his town, he didn’t know what kind of gun it was that he needed, but he knew without a doubt he had to have one. Jessup would later tell followers on his alt-right blog and Facebook page, “The Neoteric Liberty Lover,” that he was exercising his Second Amendment right so that he could “truly know the horrors of worry about Barack HUSSEIN Obama coming to take” his new gun away.

Jessup said this was actually his very first gun purchase of his life, though he has always believed “as a conservative, red-blooded, God-fearing American” that the Second Amendment “should have been in the Ten Commandments.” Mr. Jessup said in a Facebook post over the weekend he had “always wanted to know what it’s like to live in fear of jack booted thugs coming to take” his guns, but the chance to purchase a gun never presented itself until last Thursday.

“When I went into the shop and picked out the handgun I wanted,” Jessup told his Facebook followers, “I was prepared for them to tell me Obama was forcing all Americans to wait six months, swear a blood oath to Sharia God, and get gay married before the sale was approved by his government goons. But then the guy working there said to me that in Louisiana there is no waiting period for a gun, only for abortions. Which of course makes complete and total sense to every good, ammo-hoarding patriot out there.”

After he got the gun home, Jessup says he wasn’t exactly sure how to express, in public, his fear that Obama would be knocking on his door any day now, personally demanding it be handed over, so he left it out on his counter to just look at it for a few hours and think. Mr. Jessup said that when had the idea to go get a hamburger, he left the loaded gun on the kitchen counter — but madre “damn sure” to tell his six year old daughter she was “only to look at the gun and envision George Washington and James Madison high fiving Daddy for buying it.” Now that he has had the gun a few days, Jessup says he knows exactly how he’s going to broadcast his fear over having it confiscated.

“God, the one true American, red-white-and-blue, firearms loving god, didn’t invent the Internet and Facebook for no reason,” Jessup wrote, “and I intend to use these tools God gave me to shout it from the mountains in blog posts, social media threads and by carrying this gun openly into public places, as God and Jesus would want me to, that my gun is the most important item in my life, and that my freedom is worthless, my liberty is empty, unless I’m stroking, caressing, massaging, aiming, and shooting it. Who I shoot it at, where I shoot it, and why are all my business, and the Second Amendment clearly means you don’t even get to question my intentions or worry about it because ‘shall not be infringed’ is a real thing.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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