HOBART, ARKANSAS — Right-wing blogger and YouTuber Clem O’Connell recently told viewers and listeners of his “Sure I’m Biased But Fuck You For Noticing” podcast that he’s been battling a crippling bout of depression for the last nine months.
“It started slowly fam,” Clem told viewers, “back in January. And as the days, weeks, and now months piled up, the cold feeling in my heart grew. Something just didn’t add up, my friends. I felt…empty.”
Clem says he spent a few weeks at first just trying to figure out what was wrong with him. He went to doctors and they couldn’t find any medical reason for how he was feeling. When he saw a psychiatrist, he was told that he was clinically depressed, but Clem says he was never able work out with his therapist what the root of the depression was. Then, the mass shooting in Las Vegas occurred, and it finally hit Mr. O’Connell “like a ton of bricks,” he says.
“I was on my couch, watching Fox’s coverage of the Second Amendment demonstration in Vegas,” Clem explained, “and I started shouting, as I usually do, like, ‘AND NOW HERE WILL COME OUT OBUMMER TO TAKE AWAY OUR GUNS!’ Except, he never came out and talked solemnly about needing to balance the right to protect ourselves with safety and security for everyone. Realizing that speech wasn’t coming was so hard for me. It was like the worst case of blue balls, fam.”
Suddenly, Clem says he realized what his issue has been for the last nine months — Barack Obama is no longer president.
“When Maobama the Secret Kenyan Communist was in office,” Clem said, “it was terrifying because you just never knew if the next knock on your door was going to be the FBI taking your guns, or FEMA taking you to the camps. But he also gave my life eight years of meaning. Eight years of purpose. I spent nearly a decade blindly hating one man. From latte salutes to mustard on his hamburger, I was forever offended and outraged by what he said and did, and now? Now he’s gone.”
Clem is still happy that Donald Trump is president, and still glad he voted for him. He says Trump’s “bold vision for America as his personal slush fund” is what the founders would have wanted for their new form of government. O’Connell is still sad, though, that the man who imparted so much meaning and impact to his life is no longer the center of his rage. However, he’s come up with what he thinks is a “pretty solid workaround.”
“Fam, I figured it out,” Clem said, “I don’t have to blame Obama for everything anymore. I can just blame him for everything Trump screws up. That way, not only do I duck responsibility for electing this tiny handed moron, I get to keep railing against Obumbo! That’s a win, win, y’all.”