Republican Explains Why His Taxes Rising 2% Under Sanders is Worth a Trump Apocalypse

LAKE EBENEEZER, FLORIDA — 42-year-old Henry Simpson is not going to vote for Bernie Sanders, and he knows that much for sure. He says that he did some “back of the envelope” math and figured out his taxes would probably go up by roughly two percent if Senator Sanders is elected and his universal health care plan is enacted. That increase, Simpson says, is enough to drive him to vote for Donald J. Trump, even though as a Republican he “strongly suspects” that Trump could be a nightmare for his party, his country, and his planet.

“What’s worse — paying two more cents per dollar, or World War III, race wars in the streets and dead, sick, poor people piling up in the gutters,” Simpson asked our reporter before answering, “True American patriots say the first one, by the way.”

Simpson said that while he completely agrees with foreign policy experts that Trump’s lack of experience, blustering positions and violent rhetoric against people of the Islamic faith would make him a dangerous proposition as commander in chief. He told us, though, that he “just can’t stomach” looking at his paycheck and seeing an extra two cents on every dollar come out, no matter how much he or his employer would be saving on health care insurance premiums.

“What, just because universal health care has been implemented in dozens of other countries effectively and for a lower cost than we pay for our private, for-profit healthcare here I’m supposed to believe we can do it in America too,” Simpson asked exasperatedly. “That’s hippy-dippy nonsense,” he said, “because everyone knows the laws of physics and economics apply differently once you have the Statue of Liberty in your sights!”

Though he agrees that Trump’s position on climate change is worrisome for those who “don’t want to drown where they used to have beachfront property,” Simpson says any extra taxation “is so unAmerican people should be deported for suggesting it” and that “a little extra greenhouse gas is worth saving two or three pennies for every whole dollar we earn.” Educating people he said, is a “noble gesture” but he doesn’t think it’s worth any additional taxation to accomplish.

“I suppose you’re going to tell me we need smart people so that we don’t literally become the satirical society in that ‘Idiocracy’ movie, right,” Simpson asked us sarcastically, “but I ask you this — when was the last time a smart person did anything for you, besides figuring how to make your computer smaller and faster, or like the Internet or whatever?”

Ultimately Simpson says that no amount of social and societal progress is worth him paying any extra money to achieve.

“Life’s too short to give enough shits about humanity to pay more taxes,” Simpson said, “and that’s just the American conservative way. Sure we’re shortchanging ourselves and our children’s future, but who needs bridges, roads, or smart people when corporations can just privatize our infrastructure and charge us for it anyway? See, we avoid paying money by paying money. Solid conservative logic, I know.”

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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