Republican ‘Bummed Out’ His IQ Not Low Enough to Vote for Donald Trump

HINKLEY, ARIZONA — Henry Sims is an Arizona resident and self-described “dyed in the wool conservative Republican.” Recently, Sims took an IQ test and says he was “devastated” when the results came back.

“I want to be a good little Republican and fall in line. I wanted to vote for Donald Trump because he’s our party’s nominee,” Sims told us, “but when my IQ test came back so high, I knew I just wasn’t dumb enough to vote for him.”

Sims says he has tried for months to hear Trump’s words and not judge them as “stupid, inane, hurtful, and downright hate-filled” but he just couldn’t ever shake the feeling he was hearing “the bald faced inanity and chattering of one mankind’s stupidest humans.” He says that the “dumbest thing” he could let himself agree with Trump on was that it’s important “to be a winner.”

“I mean, of course it’s nice to win instead of losing,” Sims said with more than a hint of sadness in his tone, “but it’s such an empty platitude, and it’s hard to imagine him fueling an entire four or even eight year tenure on the concept of winning.” Mr. Sims said he doesn’t support the border wall Trump wants to build between the U.S. and Mexico because he’s a “true conservative that understands wasting billions of dollars on a fence that won’t stop people from overstaying visas anyway.”

When he saw establishment picks like Jeb Bush and Scott Walker leave the race, Sims says he knew he was going to be faced with either Trump or Ted Cruz and since he’s not an evangelical Christian, he decided Cruz was too extreme in his religious beliefs. He asked why he should “vote for the American equivalent of the Taliban” just so he doesn’t “have to elect a B-grade celebrity attention whore instead.” So he went to a local college that administers IQ tests, to see if he could legitimately vote for Trump “with a clean, stupid as shit conscience.”

“As soon as I started taking the test,” Sims says, “and I saw the questions, I knew I wasn’t going to be dumb enough to be a Trump supporter. But I kept taking it anyway, hoping against hope I’d score really low despite my average intelligence.” He even tried missing some questions intentionally to lower his score, but says he “just scored too high to even remotely consider voting for Trump.”

So, Henry says he’s not sure who he will vote for. He may write in someone’s name, or he may just sit out the election.

“I voted for McCain in 2008, even though he had that really stupid woman as his running mate,” Sims said, “and I still can’t bring myself to vote for Trump. I even voted for Mitt Romney because I genuinely thought he had a chance to win because all the polls were skewed…or so I was told. But short of taking a hammer to my cerebrum I can’t think of any scenario where I’d suddenly find myself remotely stupid enough to cast a vote for Donald Trump. And that really bums me out.”

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This