Republican Angry ‘That Fundie A-Hole’ Didn’t Endorse ‘That Orange A-Hole’

GOLD STONE, OHIO — Hank Phillips is a lifelong Republican. Hank is angry, very angry in fact, that Ted Cruz didn’t endorse Donald Trump during his speech at the 2016 Republican National Convention, and he’s taken to social and traditional media to air his grievances.

“That fundie a-hole should have just sucked it up and endorsed that orange a-hole, but no,” Phillips told us in a phone interview, “he had to go and act like he had principles all of a sudden.”

Phillips said that it was “especially hard” to believe that Cruz was simply standing on principle when he didn’t endorse Trump because “Teddy doesn’t have principles” as far as Hank can tell.

“This is the same guy who stole votes from Ben Carson by telling his supporters that Dr. Carson had dropped out of the race and he’d only just left the campaign trail to get some rest,” Hank said, “and he’s the same Ted Cruz who sent out fraudulent mailers to Iowa voters telling them non-participation would get them a mark on their voter records.”

Hank said Cruz is “as slimy as they come” so he has “absolutely zero moral high ground to stand on over Donald Trump.” But he’s “under no delusions” that Trump is “an upstanding citizen by any definition either.

“Trump’s a right piece of shit too,” Hank said, “but he’s our piece of shit. And Republicans gotta stick to their pieces of shit together, I always say.”

Ultimately, it’s the desire to stop the string of defeats that the Republicans have suffered in presidential elections since Bill Clinton took office in 1992.

“We have lost the popular vote in all but one of the elections since 1992,” Hank said, “so we need all the unity we can get. Hell, even with party unity we’re still nominating a birther who thinks Mexico is literally sending us rapists on purpose for some reason. So we were already facing what I’d call a hard sell to the American people regardless.”

Mr. Phillips told us that “for [Republicans] to have a remote chance” in November, they need both “the religious morons” and the “regular, moron morons” to vote.  That means Team Trump and Team Cruz have to get together somehow, Phillips said, or their party is doomed to fail yet again come Election Day.



James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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