Republican Angry That Civil War Reenactor Who Played Abe Lincoln Not Actually Honest Abe

HOBART, ARKANSAS — Clem O’Connell is furious, and he’s writing to every newspaper editor, his congressmen, and even President Barack H. Obama to air his grievance. O’Connell recently attended a Civil War reenactment in his hometown and was shocked and dismayed to find out the actor playing Abraham Lincoln wasn’t in fact Abraham Lincoln. reenacter

“What the every-loving hell,” O’Connell asked to no one in particular as he held a makeshift press conference outside his single-wide, “are you meaning to tell me that all those people I watch on the moving picture screen are just pretending?”

Mr. O’Connell, a staunch conservative Republican and Donald Trump supporter, told our reporter during an interview via Skype that he is “furious and beyond angry” that “the libtard agenda” has become so pervasive that Americans “can’t even trust movie pictures or shows on the television box.”

“I mean, just what kind of country is this,” Clem asked in anger, “if Ferris Bueller was really a 24-year-old man. Or if Chewbacca the Wookiee is just a big, tall guy in a suit? I am angry and mad at about a lot of things, being Republican and all, but if actors aren’t even going to bother to be the people they’re playing, then what the hell is the damn point of living?”

In one of his letters to the editor, Clem explained that he first became suspicious of actors in general when he was watching the Democratic National Convention.

I’m sitting there, watching the libtard convention, and who do I see on my television screen? None other than Chris Kyle, one of America’s greatest war heroes and liars about being a war hero. I respect that man and was really bummed out to see him sitting there with all the other libtards. Then someone turns to me and says, “Clem, you idjit, that’s just some play actor who was pretending to be Chris Kyle in that movie!” My whole world has just come crashing down on me!

Clem explains that “if we start letting Liberal Hollywood and the lame-stream press” lie to us about who people, we are doomed as a society.

“Where do they think they get off,” Clem asked our reporter angrily, “because if we start letting Liberal Hollywood and the lame-stream press tell us fibs about who people are when they are acting in a work of fiction for TV or movies, then we don’t live in the America that George Washington cut down Abe Lincoln’s cherry to get the paper to write the Constitution on, do we?”

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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