Report: Ted Cruz Had Victory Meal of Champagne and ‘Nasalcargot’ After WI Victory

SALINE FALLS, NEW YORK — Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) took time out of his busy campaign schedule to celebrate his Wisconsin primary victory while in New York campaigning for that state’s upcoming primary.

“Goddamn am I going to enjoy this shit,” one source very close to Sen. Cruz reported he declared as he sauntered into the upscale restaurant in the lobby of his hotel. Cruz then sat down with a group of approximately six other high-level campaign staffers and told them, “I’m feeling so good, everything’s on me guys! Sky’s the limit!”

Our source tells us that throughout the dinner Cruz was excited because as he told those at the dinner table last night “at least the people of Wisconsin know I’m the good kind of diarrhea, instead of the bad kind that Donald is.” Though his staffers didn’t really get the reference, we’re told Cruz was still quite chuffed with himself for making it.

“Clearly Jesus Christ himself wants me to be president more than Trump,” Cruz said as he ordered champagne and an appetizer of “nasalcargot,” which he said he provided to the restaurant from his own “private reserve.”

As he slurped back the appetizer and toasted with the champagne, those in attendance report that Cruz could not stop giggling to himself.

“I am more hated in Washington than lobbyists who don’t bring enough cash to fundraising events with a bar,” Cruz said smugly, “and those establishment pricks have to cozy up to me now because of the abortion that is Donald Trump. Somehow, some way, the GOP has put themselves in a position to have to rally behind walking, talking AIDS! Amazing!”

The mood at the table, however, did not remain positive all night. When one staffer asked Cruz about the chances of him not winning the nomination because of a contested convention, and if he felt like was just being used like cannon fodder right now so they could pick a candidate they find more palatable, Cruz put his fork down and stopped eating his nasalcargot.

“That cannot happen,” Cruz said, a bit of nasalcargot stuck to his upper lip, “because I’m a Christian. God will guide me to the White House, and from there I will bring a new era of Christendom to the world. We will once again dominate the world. These are my actual religious beliefs. Google them,” he said to no one particular, as if he were reciting something of import for an audience not in the room, but rather reading a satirical news article, as the nasalcargot slipped from his upper lip to his lower one.

Senator Cruz finished his meal, paid the bill, and took the rest of his nasalcargot back to his room in a doggy bag, where it was later reported he ate them for breakfast this morning.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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