REPORT: Senate GOP to Declare U.S. Dominion Over Mars’ Nitrogen Supply

WASHINGTON, D.C. — NASA’s Mars rover has discovered a rich supply of life-sustaining nitrogen in the red planet’s atmosphere, and the Senator in charge of America’s space program is among a half-dozen Republicans in that august body that wish to declare U.S. dominion over that nitrogen gas. “Finders keepers,” Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) said to a group of reporters outside his office. “The American people paid for that Mars rover, and it’s time for the American people to claim what is rightfully ours — everything in the known and unknown universe,” the 2016 presidential hopeful told the media.

“Think of it like Manifest Destiny of the stars,” Cruz continued. “I’m just saying that if American God is going is going to create this beautiful, 6,000 year old planet and all the space around it, clearly He meant us to have dominion and control of all we can get our hands on,” the Canadian-Texan said. “As long as I have any say in what NASA does, I will use it to further the American cause of liberty, justice, and owning anything and everything possible.”

Reporters asked Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) his thoughts on Cruz’s plan to claim Mars’ nitrogen supply for U.S. control and the septuagenarian senator told them, “Well, I don’t know much about space stuff, but I do know if we don’t snatch up that nitrogen, Obama will start a war on it like he does against anything that true, red-blooded, gun carrying, meat eating, God fearing, legitimate rape understanding, conservative American Patriots hold near and dear.”

Sen. Jim Inhoffe, one of the senate’s most outspoken anti-science climate deniers said, “I don’t like to trust these so-called sciencers about much of anything. They’re wrong about climate change and a full three out of every hundred of them have the guts to say it,” Inhofe pressed on, “and now those nerds are telling us that Mars has the nitrogen levels needed to sustain life?” Inhofe, who recently hurled a snowball on the senate floor to disprove climate change and even jumped up and down on the same floor to demonstrate his distrust of the scientific law of gravity conceded however that “if there is something up there we can snatch up for our own uses and not to share with any socialist government our decider in chief wants to cozy up to that day, we should snatch it up.”

Reporters caught up with Senator John McCain (R-AZ), a senior senator among the seniors Republicans have as senators, and asked him what he feels about Cruz’s plan. “Oh, he’s a cuckoo bird alright,” said McCain of Cruz, “I mean, all this talk of harnessing nitrogen, and we haven’t even gotten men out there to secure our Mars army base!” McCain said he’s “deeply disturbed” that Cruz didn’t include the military in his plans and that “only by securing Mars with extremely high-tech, sophisticated weapons, can we be sure that the galaxy will be safe for years to come.”

Not all Republicans want to go forward with Cruz’s plan though. Freshman Senator Joni Enrst of Iowa said that she is “concerned about what American God might think about us exploring new planets” because “science is never mentioned once by name in the Bible” and “every scientist [she’s] ever met was way too proud of their fancy degrees and not one of them could recite the books of the Bible backwards.”

Senator Tom Cotton (R-AR), who made a splash in previous weeks by spearheading the letter he and 46 other Republicans sent to Iran, warning them about any deals they make with the Obama administration, said that he wants “to make sure that any Martians we find on Mars understand that they cannot make treaties with our socialist president without the consent of Congress.” Cotton also said he personally will travel to Mars and “kick all kinds of Martian ass” if aliens — who have yet to actually be discovered on Mars — attempt to stop the U.S. from harvesting Mars’ nitrogen.

“The bottom line is simple,” Cruz said as he headed off to another committee meeting. “Republicans are in charge of Congress now. That means we don’t pussy-foot around subjects. We find nitrogen, we take it. If we find the cure for AIDS on Pluto, we’ll take it and we may not share it with the world. Because we’re Republicans, and after we’re done putting our donors, God and our party first, we put the country first after that.”

Senator Ted Cruz is the chairman of the Senate’s Subcommittee on Space, Science, and Competitiveness and has been since Republicans took control of the Senate in January.