REPORT: Obama Uses Nobel Prize to Stuff ISIS War Powers Authorization Into Envelope

WASHINGTON, D.C. — It takes a whole lot of pages to ask Congress for permission to start a new war, and all those pages can be hard to stuff into a single, manila envelope. Luckily for President Barack Obama though, he had just the right tool to help him stuff the envelope that contained his request for authorization to make war on ISIS/ISISIL/ISISIEIEIO.

His Nobel Peace Prize.

According to high-level White House sources who spoke to The Political Garbage Chute on the condition of anonymity, Obama was having a hard time getting all the pages for his war resolution into the courier envelope they’d be delivered to Congress in, when he spied the Nobel price in the corner of his eye. “The president believed,” said the anonymous official, “that the weight and size of the Nobel prize’s bronzed coin-like shape would work perfectly as a way to stuff and seal the envelope we delivered his request for war powers in.”

Using the medal in a downward, hammering motion, Obama cajoled, prodded and mangled the war powers resolution enough to where the top of the manila envelope that would carry the resolution to Congress could somewhat easily fold over, allowing the brad on the other side to be inserted through the hole and flattened on either side, creating a tight seal. “This was a victory for envelope stuffing, and proves that the president plays 345th dimensional chess while his opponents are playing regular, 229th dimensional chess, clearly,” said Democratic spokeswoman Clara Fubabtreter. “If you ignore the fact that he was using a prize he won for being a shepherd of peace to help him request from Congress the power to blow up the middle east, ” Fubabtreter continued, “this is a victory for the idea of World Peace too!”

Our reporter asked Ms. Fubabtreter what will separate Obama’s Iraq War from Bush’s Iraq War, if anything. “Well, for starters, that was Bush, this is Obama,” said Fubabtreter. “Secondly,” she continued, “this not just Obama’s Iraq War…it’s his Syrian War too. Oh, and he’ll probably wind-up using this as justification to arm the Ukrainians too. Because you know, hope and change.”

Support on the Hill for Obama’s war resolution is mixed, at best. “Frankly, he should be looking into time travel technology,” Senate Armed Forces Chairman John McCain (R-AZ) said, “so he can go back in time and start this war the right way, by not ending the Iraq War in the first place.” McCain says that Obama “wasted a lot of precious bombing and killing time by hemming and hawing” and says, “only swift, unilateral action in Iraq will repair the damage done by the last time America took swift, unilateral action in Iraq.”

Senator Ted Cruz said he’d “support the resolution if a Republican were proposing it” since to him, “only Republicans know how best to waste taxpayer money by the trillions.” Democrat Senator Barbara Boxer told reporters, “If this were a Republican named Bush asking for these war powers, I’d be very skeptical. But it’s a Democrat asking for them, so I’m cool with it.”

Some progressives and others among the anti-war movement have been furious and outraged by the man who won a prize from the global community for being a force for peace starting a new war. However, says our White House source, “people need to remember that we have a promotional war time punch card, and we’re only one punch away from a free war and a large fountain drink. President Obama is not going to pass up that opportunity; it’s unwise and not very frugal.”

Whether or not the Republican-controlled Congress will approve Obama’s request is not very certain. Republican staffers speaking on condition of anonymity have told us their bosses are considering telling the president they will only approve his war power resolutions if he also repeals Obamacare and swears his loyalty to only the Republican Party, while some are angling for the president to forfeit half his electoral college votes he’s gotten since 2008, making John McCain and/or Mitt Romney co-presidents. This is highly unconstitutional, but Republican staffers say the GOP isn’t so much concerned with the Constitution as they are about making sure Obama doesn’t “win” anything ever.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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