Report: Karen Pence Has A Pulse, Her Vision, And Her Ears Work Well Enough

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Any previous media reports that doubted the health of the Second Lady of the United States of America can now be put to rest as “fake news,” according reports from the Hill. Results of Karen Pence’s yearly physical have shown her to have a strong heartbeat, clear vision, and her hearing is still quite good, sources say. However, those close to her say that Mrs. Pence’s general health would never have been questioned if people had simply spoken to her during last year’s election.

In a deep-dive look at Vice-President Mike Pence, The Atlantic uncovered an aide of his that said his wife holds strong opinions of Trump. One passage from the story on Pence indicates that the now infamous Access Hollywood tape, in which Mr. Trump is heard bragging to Billy Bush about the things that women let him do to them because of his fame and wealth, drove Mrs. Pence to make some judgments about Trump. The “grab them by the pussy” line that is now one of the most cited quotes in presidential history, seemed to set her off.

The couple was appalled by the video, however. Karen in particular was “disgusted,” says a former campaign aide. “She finds him reprehensible—just totally vile.” (Atlantic)

“I can’t speak for Mrs. Pence’s views on the world, or how rooted in modern understandings of things they are,” one source close to the Pence family told us. “But I can say without any doubt in my mind that she has working eyes and ears. If you’ve got those, it’s hard not see Trump as a vile and reprehensible son of a bitch.”

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Another friend of Mrs. Pence’s, who wished to stay anonymous put it even more bluntly.

“She’s still alive and breathing oxygen,” the friend said. “So no one should be surprised she can see and hear what a piece of shit Mr. Trump is.”

The White House did not comment on this story.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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