REPORT: First Day Of GOP Convention Depletes Their Shit Show’s Manure Supply For The Week

CLEVELAND, OHIO — Officials with the Republican National Committee say they are “worried and concerned” that they will run out of their convention manure supply much earlier than they’d anticipated.

“We knew this year was going to be the biggest shit show we’ve put on to date,” RNC Chairman Reince Priebus told reporters this morning, “so we tripled our manure order from 2012.”

Priebus said that he is “blown away” by the fact that the first night of the 2016 Republican National Convention “went through more bullshit already” than they used in 2008. That was the year that Senator John McCain (R-AZ) introduced Sarah Palin to the national stage, and Priebus says he never thought the GOP would “put on such a spectacular display of insanity and outright bullshit” as they did that night. However, this year’s convention is already off to a much more tumultuous and embarrassing start, and only one day has passed so far.

“We had people chanting to put Hillary Clinton in jail, our benediction was delivered by a preacher who literally called Democrats and Hillary Clinton our enemies,” Priebus told reporters, “we had delegates walk out en masse to protest the bewigged bloviator we are about to nominate. And all that was before his wife got out there and clearly stole hefty portions of her speech, delivered in fucking prime time, from our party’s number one enemy’s wife’s speech eight years ago! If this doesn’t qualify as an unmitigated shit show, I don’t know what is.”

The GOP has contacted several manure suppliers and even independent dairy farms in the country, attempting to secure enough manure to ensure their convention will be fully stocked so that it can be used to fuel the shit show put on display in Cleveland for the rest of the week. Priebus hopes that by late Wednesday his party will have filled the manure silo they had built adjacent to the convention hall “full to the point of overflowing,” but fears even that just might not be enough to last until the convention wraps up later this week.

“Let’s face it,” Priebus said with more than a little hint of resignation in his tone, “every time someone on stage mentions Benghazi, it takes a huge chunk out of our supply. Every time we mention that Planned Parenthood is selling baby parts, there goes another massive amount of our stored up bullshit. Every time we talk about how great for the country Republican economic and foreign policies have been, more and more bullshit is sucked up out of the silo. And all of that can happen with or without one of our speakers plagiarizing very recent speeches, or leading us all in a prayer against our fellow Americans.”

If the Republicans can’t secure enough manure in a short enough time, Priebus says they may have to ax some speakers and end the convention earlier than scheduled.

“If the Republican Party doesn’t have a healthy dose of bullshit to run on at all times,” Priebus said emphatically, “we don’t really have much to say anyway. So if we run out of bullshit before the week’s up, we’ll just close up shop and get back to the business of telling everyone how the government fails them while making that a self-fulfilling prophecy.”

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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