Report: Donald Trump’s Twitter Run By Angry Orangutan With Tourette Syndrome

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — The Donald Trump presidential campaign confirmed this morning that the alleged billionaire’s Twitter account has been run since its creation by an angry orangutan with Tourette Syndrome.

For years, the press has speculated about whether an adult human could actually be behind the D-List reality-TV star’s tweets because of their spelling snafus, tendency to retweet racist crime stats, and the sheer anger and ferocity with which Trump goes after anyone he has even a slight grudge against. Some thought perhaps the Twitter account was run by artificial-unintelligence, a newly developed technology that allows programs to be run as if humans were behind them, but in a very stupid way.

This morning’s announcement, however, puts those theories to rest.

“We just wanted to let everyone know that it’s not Donald Trump behind those nasty, mean tweets,” Mark Ryan, Deputy Chief Assistant Junior Media Liaison for the Trump campaign, told reporters at the press conference, “because we don’t want Donald suffering at the ballot box this November. He shouldn’t be held accountable for the vitriol, racist rhetoric, and downright inanity that his tweets contain; the angry orangutan with Tourettes should be.”

Recently, The New York Times compiled and published a list of 250 people, places, and things that Trump has insulted via his Twitter account. The list includes comedian Rosie O’Donnell, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg (whose mind he said is “shot”), and of course Hillary Clinton. However, the list also contains various conservative and Republican institutions and figures such as Fox News, Megyn Kelly, and all of his 2016 primary challengers. Mr. Ryan says that those tweets are all examples of the orangutan’s work.

“The orangutan Mr. Trump hired years ago to run his Twitter account is the one you all should be angry at for these tweets,” Mr. Ryan said, “not Donald himself. Sure, the orangutan is giant, orange, and angry. And yes, he was named Donnie Junior, and yes he loves to wear Make America Great Hats, and sure, he knows Donald’s Social Security number, and if you’re being technical he holds a New York State identification card that says he’s Donald J. Trump. But forget all that. It’s an orangutan.”

Mr. Ryan also insisted that the media should cover Trump’s tweets “in totality” and “not just the mean ones.” He says that taken into a “fuller perspective,” one will find much more than just angry, mean-spirited tweets.

“You’ll also find really dumb tweets too,” Ryan said, “like implying that Russia hasn’t annexed Ukraine recently and he’d somehow stop it if he were president. So why don’t we all stop pretending it’s just mean stuff he tweets and focus on the really stupid shit too?”

The orangutan could not be reached for comment.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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