TRENTON, NEW JERSEY — Governor Chris Christie (R-NJ) at one point in the days just after the 2012 election cycle was the newly minted Savior of the Republican Party. He was the often brash, but presumably straight-shooting, no-nonsense, rock-rib Republican governor of a blue state. Things were looking good for the New Jersey chief executive, and his 2016 presidential hopes couldn’t have been higher.
But in the ensuing couple of years, it has been one scandal after another. Last week, it was announced that a Federal criminal probe has been opened up to ascertain whether or not Christie’s office broke several Federal regulations when it took over and ultimately squashed the indictments of a handful of New Jersey officials that had been supporters of the governor’s reelection campaign. In light of this most recent of Christie’s voluminous legal woes, the exploratory committee he set up to determine if he should run for president next year has decided to retain an attorney highly-trained in constitutional law to advise their team as to the efficacy — and constitutionality — of running the country from prison.
“Obviously we believe that Governor Christie is the most morally upstanding candidate in the field,” said Christie 2016 liason Becky Meyer at a recent press conference outside Christie’s favorite pizzeria, Big Ol’ Loudmouth Pizza in Trenton, New Jersey. “It’s just that in light in of certain recent events with another Republican governor in Virginia, we are covering all our bases and looking into whether or not there is anything keeping a convicted felon still serving his sentence for corruption charges from entering the White House…outside of of course being literally behind bars of course,” said Meyer.
Ms. Meyer insists that the Christie 2016 campaign is “in it for the long haul” no matter what rumors may persist about further Federal probes. When asked if she thinks America really wants a president that has been so dogged with rumors of corruption and quid pro quo, Meyer said, “Our polling shows that many people on the right side of the aisle would love a return to more traditional roles for the executive, and who better to pattern yourself from than a former president? In this case, Richard M. Nixon. But we’ve got one over on Tricky Dick.”
What is is that Christie’s got over on Nixon? “Nixon never actually went to jail. He resigned before it got to an impeachment trial and he was pardoned by Ford shortly after leaving office. Now, the country has a chance to really do something bold and elect someone who may or may not be behind bars by the time the inauguration takes place.” Meyer went on to draw comparisons between Governor Christie and the man currently in the White House. “If the country was ready for its first black president seven years ago, then we are sure the country is ready is ready for its first black-and-white striped president.”
Christie’s campaign, at the time of this story published, has not settled on which attorney they will retain. Meyer said that the campaign will make that decision “as we get closer to the election. We want to see just how likely it might be that our candidate will face jail time. As a white, upper-class, middle-aged man the chances of him going to jail for a crime he’s literally not caught red-handed committed while raping a baby seal and shouting, ‘I hate America!’ are of course very slim, but if there’s a lesson to be learned from [former Virginia Governor Bob] McDonnell, it’s that you just never can tell when the traditional values of this country — that being white and rich put you above the law — will be subverted. That’s life in Obama’s America.”
When reached for comment, fellow-Republican, Congressman Trey Gowdy said, “Benghazi!” Senator Rand Paul offered advice to Christie to, “get your britches on tight and don’t look back,” though this was said while he was polishing his shiny, new hat of tin, so political pundits weren’t really sure what to make of that comment. Rep. Louie Gohmert wanted to “simply remind Governor Christie to stay the hell away from my asparagus.”
This story is developing.