Reince Priebus Kicks Over Bucket of Diarrhea, Asks it to Run for President

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources close to the Republican National Committee are reporting at this hour that RNC Chairman Reince Priebus may have “finally found his silver, or in this case loose and brown, bullet” for his Donald Trump and Ted Cruz conundrum.

“Mr. Priebus decided to take an early morning stroll today,” Suzanne Carpenter, Deputy Assistant Junior Sub-Liaison for the RNC told reporters via email, “and while on that walk, he said he was going to try and figure out what to do about our convention and nominee problems.” Carpenter was referring tot he fact that it is no big secret on the Hill that the GOP is desperate to find a candidate who could keep both Trump and Cruz away from the nomination.

Carpenter told us that as Priebus rounded the corner of a street that has his favorite coffee shop in the D.C. area, his foot kicked over a bucket of disgusting diarrhea, that was just sitting there for no apparent reason whatsoever.

“What the – ah, gross,” Priebus said, according to Carpenter. But then, as he cleaned the mess off his shoes, a thought occurred to him, and he bent down to ask the bucket of liquid human waste a vital question. “Are you registered to vote,” Priebus asked the diarrhea, whose name turned out to be Lucy O’Stoole. Ms. O’Stoole blinked like diarrhea does, and answered Priebus’ question.

“I’m diarrhea,” she said, “I’m toxic, smelly, and you don’t really want anything to do me since I just remind you of either a sickness you once had and are glad to be rid of it, or a really terrible mistake you made. I’m a Republican, of course.”

Priebus reportedly jumped for joy, literally.

“Oh boy,” Priebus said to Lucy, “would you ever consider running for President of the United States of America?”

Lucy thought long and hard for several moments, bubbling and foaming as she did. Then, she answered, “Oh hell no. Even as a bucket of diarrhea, I’m not nearly as loathed as the president is,” she said, “and the only worse job than being a bucket of diarrhea is being a politician in the United States.”

Priebus wouldn’t take “no” for an answer. For thirty-five minutes he grilled Lucy. Toward the end of the conversation he was on his knees, begging.

“Just, please consider it. You’re literally less disgusting than both our front runners, and unlike John Kasich, you don’t try to hide that you’re just full the brim with gross disgustingness.”

Ms. O’Stoole said she’d “seriously consider the offer” and if she decided to take Priebus up on it, she’d meet him in Cleveland later this summer for the convention. Reached for comment later in the afternoon, Priebus confirmed all the details in Carpenter’s email.

“Look,” Priebus said, “if you had a choice between Ted Cruz, Donald Trump or a bucket of hot, liquid, painful diarrhea, who would you choose? Now you know exactly why I want that diarrhea to run…for president.”

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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