WASHINGTON, D.C. — Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus held a press conference late Monday night and announced his party had “begun a long and exhaustive search” to find roughly four or five new presidential candidates to enter the race, though the kinds of candidates he’s looking for could certainly be described as “unorthodox,” which is exactly the word Priebus used.
“Look, I know this is an insanely unorthodox approach,” Priebus said as he ran through a PowerPoint presentation that included slides of various primates having sexual intercourse with American rules football balls. Mr. Priebus explained that after doing weeks of intensive, secretive polling across the country he and his team of advisers realized that the primary debates hosted by the GOP “weren’t going to convince anyone with two brain cells to rub together” to vote for any of the candidates. “I mean, for God’s sake Teddy ate a goddamned booger up there,” Priebus said, adding, “I can’t imagine Ronald Reagan not just swiping the thing off his face. Teddy though? He slurps the disgustingness back into his mouth.”
Mr. Priebus said that Cruz’s ingestion of unidentified biomatter wasn’t even the worst part of that debate.
“Before the seats were warm, Marco and Trump were in a high school locker room fight over who had the biggest dong,” Priebus said with his hand outstretched to the sky, almost as if to ask the cosmos itself why he’d been sidled with the task of making the modern day Republican Party look electable and worthy of running the country. He sighed as he continued his presentation. “So we decided to just hire monkeys to fuck footballs, right there on live TV,” Priebus said with resignation and a little indignation in his voice, “because the polling showed that was the only thing we could do with the TV air time we purchased that won’t actually turn people off to our party and our ideas.”
In 2008, Priebus said he considered this approach as well. but then John McCain chose a running mate.
“Sarah Palin is the intellectual equivalent of monkeys fucking footballs,” Priebus said, “so I figured that one was fine on its own. We still lost of course, but at least we had an entertaining sideshow of a VP candidate. Now we have a sideshow of a front runner, two clowns chasing him, and John Kasich.”
With the national convention coming up later this summer, Priebus says his number one priority is to avoid a contested convention, and that’s why the “monkey fucking footballs plan of 2016” was enacted. He acknowledged that it’s probably too late to avoid a messy convention floor later this year, but he hopes that at least if Americans watch monkeys having sex with sporting equipment by the time the General Election rolls around in November, they’ll vote for his party out of entertainment value.
“I promise you, the American people, this,” Priebus said as he was ending the presser, “if you elect us you will get to watch monkeys fucking footballs all day every day. Even if we don’t have any literal monkeys literally fucking footballs, the way we behave and govern is pretty much the same thing. So please, vote for us. God bless America, God bless me, and most importantly, God bless the Republican Party!”