LAKE LARMES-SALÉES, WISCONSIN — At a late afternoon press conference this week, Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus announced that his organization, in effort to quell the complaints from some of its 2016 presidential candidates about how the party’s debates have been moderated thus far, will be conducting a seance with the sole purpose of contacting the ghost of Ronald Reagan.
“It’s clear that we’re never going to get a fair shake from the liberal, lamestream media,” Priebus told reporters, “and that’s why we created our own, cloistered and sequestered news network of course. We had to get away from what we see as biases and what other people see as facts. So we helped install Fox News as our mouthpiece.” Priebus said though, that even on Fox News, “the questions weren’t anywhere nearly softball or blatantly rhetorical or leading.” So, he said, his hope is to get in contact with former President Reagan’s ghost and convince it to write all the questions for the RNC’s next televised debate which will be held next week.
Priebus told the media gathered that “only the great Ronald Reagan could be trusted to hand-craft questions that don’t ask our candidates to think deeply, but rather that allow them to spew talking points.” Mr. Priebus insisted that this move “isn’t about making our candidates look good to the base so much as its about we can’t handle discussing our views unless we have home court advantage, so to speak.” That home court advantage, Priebus said, “used to include Fox News, but now we understand the only way we’re going to win is to make sure that our candidates never have to confront the results of their policies, the meaning of their rhetoric, or the fact that a great many people completely disagree with their view of the world.”
“We Republicans think it’s completely unfair that we should have to leave the insulated comfort of our Conservative Media Bubble and have to face actual reality, instead of the one we fabricated where Hillary ordered a Benghazi stand down, Obama is a secret Muslim socialist hell-bent on destroying our economy, and Louie Gohmert is intelligent,” Priebus said, “and we believe the reason we have the majority of presidential elections since the end of the Reagan Era is because of liberal media bias, not the fact that we are defenders of the old, busted status quo and systemic discrimination that leaves people of color and women in abject poverty.”
Priebus told reporters that while he is a “devout, born again Christian who loves Jesus with all his heart” he is “willing to dip into the occult to get our team a win.” He said that he hopes Ghost Reagan will be able to “draft the kinds of questions that the American people need to hear Republicans answer to make them seem less paranoid, less racist, less stupid, less devoid of modern thought, and more worthy of their votes.”
“Reagan was a master manipulator — excuse me — communicator,” Priebus said as the press conference was winding down, “and it’s clear that what we’ve been missing since he left the Oval Office is someone who can manipulate facts — excuse me — communicate the conservative point of view to moderates. They need to see that yes, we do think rape can be a good thing if a baby comes out of it, that we do indeed think the 97% of climate scientists warning us about climate change are wrong, and that yes, all that the country really needs is a good, healthy dose of ideological conservatism to make those uppity gays, Latinos, women, blacks, and pretty much any non-white, non-Christian, and therefore un-American person see that we have all the answers.”
Then after a pause and a beat, “To our own questions.”