Reince Priebus: Donald Trump Grabbed The GOP ‘By The Pussy And Fucked Us’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A sad and dejected looking Reince Priebus, Chairman of the Republican National Committee, alone except for our reporter, sat in a booth at a D.C.-area Denny’s. During the interview he often dabbed away small tears, obviously fighting back sobs. The topic of discussion that made Priebus so emotional? The way he says Donald J. Trump has “grabbed the GOP by the pussy and fucked” the Republican Party.

“I can’t believe this has happened to us,” Priebus said, “who could have predicted that spending 50 years cultivating a seething anger against anyone and everyone who wasn’t a lock-step, white conservative would result in what’s surely about to happen to us in a few weeks? Who could have ever seen that spending about five decades quietly accepting that at least a quarter of your voters were virulent racists and bigots would wind up setting the stage for a giant, orange racist and bigot to demolish us as a national party?”

Throughout our discussion with Priebus, he kept coming back to the idea that he was shocked and surprised that the GOP’s so-called “Southern Strategy” — a political tactic adopted by the GOP in the mid 1960’s to vacuum up disaffected, racist Southern Democratic voters who were upset by the Civil Rights and Voting Acts — had brought about the rise of a figure like Trump. Priebus repeatedly insisted that it was “strange” and “unusual” for decades of “dog whistle racism” to give rise to a loud, boisterous white nationalist movement that could permanently cripple his party.

“How could this have happened,” Priebus said, wiping tears before they dripped down onto his Moons Over My-Hammy. “Sure, the way things have historically gone is that the party that allies themselves with ignorance, racism, and xenophobia may gain temporary power, but is always eventually put down when average Americans realize how badly things have turned. But really, why does our constant white race baiting have to come to bite us in our sanctimonious asses this year?”

Sipping at his coffee, which he repeatedly spiked with rum from a hip flask, Mr. Priebus said that Trump has “taken us all by surprise like a wolf being intentionally let into a hen house and eating all the hens would take a farmer by surprise.”

“Sure, Trump was just acting as the living personification of Rush Limbaugh’s rhetoric for the past 20 or more years,” Priebus admitted, “and yeah, when I stop and think about it, I realize that Trump got his start in politics by spouting a racist conspiracy theory my party actively peddled for nearly a decade. But, well, does that mean we have to suffer the consequences of allowing a sexually predatory sociopath to take over our party?”

Priebus posited and postulated that part of his party’s problem was that they had been too timid and weak with him in the early goings of the campaign. He said that they didn’t want to dampen the excitement his campaign was bringing to Republican voters, even if the voters he was activating were white supremacists.

“We were all total wimps with him,” Priebus said, “and so he just grabbed us by our pussies and fucked us.”

Through it all, Priebus told our reporter that he is “upset and sad” over what looks like to him to be Trump’s impending doom on Election Day. However, he also said that he knows he can’t allow himself to be angry for one very important reason.

“I’d be mad but, well, it was completely consensual,” Priebus said, “and that makes us different from all of Donald’s other victims. At least we asked for him to fuck us.”


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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