WASHINGTON, D.C. — Staffers and aides close to Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus are reporting at this hour that he is currently flipping through his Rolodex of contacts, desperate to find, in his words, “a more preferable” loser to either Donald J. Trump or Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX).
“They’re both douchebags that have no chance of winning,” Priebus reportedly told one aide, “but at least when Mitt and John lost, they did so with dignity, and least they both knew how to couch their more regressive rhetoric in ways that didn’t outright call attention to our backwards, antiquated beliefs and policies.”
Priebus, according to one staffer speaking on the condition of anonymity and a Cabela’s gift card told us that she overheard him telling another high-ranking RNC official that he’d “take Ricky ‘Dum Dum’ Perry or Scott ‘Hur Dur’ Walker” over either Cruz or Trump.
“One guy is a damn religious sycophant who is unabashed in his desire to turn this country into a theocracy, and the other guy is a D-grade reality-TV attention whore,” Priebus allegedly told Republican aides in the room at the time, “and if I wanted a reality-TV attention whore at the top of the ticket, I’d call up Sarah. But she’s even dumber than Teddy and Donald, so I’m turbo-über-robo-super-duper-fucked here.”
According to everyone we spoke to, Priebus has concocted several plans for a contested convention, and has put together a list of alternative candidates that are not Trump or Cruz.
“His list is pretty big and he’s open to some interesting folks getting the nod,” one aide told us, adding, “his list includes people like Mitt Romney, Laura Bush, and even a bag of cat turds which he says is infinitely more personable and could get way more votes than either Cruz or Trump in the General.”
Should no one else but Trump or Cruz secure the nomination at the convention in Cleveland later this summer, sources say Mr. Priebus has devised two more, last minute “Hail Mary” plans.
“First, he’ll see if everyone at the convention feels like trying to raise the ghost of Ronald Reagan and nominating him since there’s nothing in the Constitution about apparitions serving presidential terms after their mortal selves have passed on,” one aide said, “and the other he’s calling the ‘Fuck it all anyway’ plan. That’s where he takes the cyanide capsule of his shoe and bites down hard on it.”
Reached for comment, Trump told us that if he “wanted to kill [himself] he’d have biggest, best suicide ever.” No one from the Cruz campaign was available as their candidate was “off hunting nose goblins to devour.”