HOPE, WASHINGTON — A small Washington town has taken the issue of school security in their own hands, not waiting for politicians at any level — local, state, or federal — to decide how best to protect their students.
“This morning, we contacted John J. Rambo, a man new to the area but known to have large, hulking muscles and access to a bevvy of automatic weapons, plus a really sweet, some might call it ‘iconic,’ knife,” Principle Janice McVicker told reporters today. “Mr. Rambo has agreed to come on as our new U.S. History teacher, and he’s even agreed to bring a sizable portion of his weapons cache to campus every day, just in case.”
Ms. McVicker says that while Mr. Rambo might not have a degree in U.S. history, or any academic subject for that matter, his qualifications as a master marksman, as well as the fact that he is “extremely brave and always rushes into situations where he’s outnumbered and outgunned without batting an eyelash” make him the “perfect teacher in 2018.”
“Would I prefer that my teachers not be armed to the teeth so they can just teach? Sure,” McVicker conceded. “And do I think it’s weird that we’re trying to end school shootings by making things that shoot appear MORE in classrooms? Of course. But the plain truth is that I can’t sit back and rest on my laurels because the gun lobby is out there doing everything they can to saturate our streets with guns. Some of those guns, just by the sheer math of it, will end up in our schools. Until we don’t live in that world, if I have to take strong precautions, including hiring a Vietnam vet with PTSD and a load of machine guns, well, that’s what I’m going to do.”
Before hiring Rambo, Hope High School made sure to get permission from the Department of Education. She wasn’t sure if hiring unaccredited PTSD patients with guns was allowed per the DOE guidelines. She was pleasantly surprised when Education Secretary Betsy DeVos personally called her back.
“Once her handlers got her all squared away on which end of the phone goes on her ear and which goes near her mouth, Secretary DeVos said she was very much so in favor of this plan,” McVicker said. “And then she reminded me to burn all my science textbooks and replace them with the Bible.”
Mr. Rambo, reached for comment, said he was “very excited” to be given this opportunity.
“Nothing is over! Nothing! You just don’t turn it off,” Rambo shouted at us. “It wasn’t my war! You asked me I didn’t ask you! And I did what I had to do to win, for somebody who wouldn’t let us win! Then I come back to the world, and I see all those maggots at the airport, protestin’ me, spittin’, callin’ me a baby killer and all kinds of vile crap! Who are they to protest me?! Huh?! Who are they?! Unless they been me and been there and know what the hell they yellin’ about! But really, I’m very excited about this opportunity.”
This story is developing.
You can also find satire on The Pastiche Post and Alternative Facts.