Trump Announces New Reality TV Show: ‘Who Wants To Be America’s Secretary of State’

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — It’s been no big secret on The Hill that President-Elect Donald J. Trump has been searching for his Secretary of State. Trump has been reportedly considering a handful of candidates, going so far as to even have dinner with 2012 Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney to discuss the prospects of the former Massachusetts governor taking the position, which was notable because of how vigorously Romney campaigned against Trump earlier this year. Now, Trump has announced he will continue his spate of unorthodox methodology in selection of the country’s next chief ambassador.

“I’ve been talking with my friends at NBC,” Trump told reporters outside his Trump Tower apartment this morning, “and we’re planning on starting a new reality-TV show, and we’re going to call it ‘Who Wants To Be America’s Secretary of State?’ Very good title, I think. Very, very good title. I came up with it. All on my own. After one of the producers suggested it.”

Mr. Trump informed the press that since his election in November, he’d been feeling “a little uptight” and “not even Ivanka could help fully release” him from the tension. So, he and his advisers started discussing how he was made to feel at ease about decisions he had to make while the star of “The Apprentice.” That’s when, Trump says, he realized that “the best part” of decision making on that show was “not having to actually make any decisions at all.”

“You know,” President-Elect Trump mused, “I was on a reality-TV show, you might have heard of it, ‘The Apprentice.’ Number one show. Huge show. Many people say it was the best reality-TV show, with the highest ratings of any show of any genre ever. Many people I pay to say nice things to me are saying that. Anyway, I got real comfortable with the reality-TV star lifestyle and production schedule. It’s quite nice to have a team of producers to make decisions you get to take credit for. So I figured, since the search for my Secretary of State is so public already, why not make a full-blown spectacle out of it right? By the way, in the 80’s I was getting laid so much I had to see a doctor because something didn’t feel right in the old Trump Fruit Basket, if you know what I mean. Turns out, I had a full-blown spectacle then. So I have tons of experience with spectacles of all shapes and sizes. This’ll be one of the best spectacles ever.”

When reporters asked Trump if he felt Americans might be off-put or even embarrassed by their president conducting his search for such an important position like this, Trump shrugged it off.

“I’ve already done so many things in weird ways,” Trump said, “why stop now? People should probably get very used to me doing things no one else would, could, or really should do. Thanks, Electoral College, am I right?”

Current vote counts show Trump lost the popular vote by over two million votes.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This