HIGH PINES, CALIFORNIA — In what will likely be written about in history books and crime novels for years and years to come, the Zodiac Killer has finally revealed his identity — at least as much of his identity as necessary to dispel any rumors that Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) is the infamous California serial killer who terrorized the state in the 1960’s and 1970’s. Though he wishes not to reveal his full name, “Bob McZodiacKiller” provided this media outlet convincing and corroborating evidence that strongly suggests he is indeed the actual Zodiac Killer.
“Obviously if I have to,” Bob told us, “I’ll reveal my whole name and identity, but I just couldn’t in good conscience let the comparisons between Ted and myself continue. After all, Ted’s not who’s going to kill anyone himself. He’ll order carpet bombings instead. Man do I wish I could have carpet bombed stuff back in my ‘kill all people possible days.’ Anyway, I’m the Zodiac Killer, not Ted.”
Bob revealed that for the last four decades he’s lived in relative security, having seen all the leads in his case go cold. He said he was initially a bit amused at the Internet meme that suggested Cruz was the Zodiac Killer, but that joy wore off as soon as Cruz “opened his mouth up about stuff.”
“Even as a serial killer, there are things that Ted says that make my skin crawl,” Bob told us. He said that when Cruz came out in favor of monitoring Muslim neighborhoods that was “offensive, even to a guy who has murdered multiple people in cold blood.” Cruz’s views on abortion — namely that it should be illegal without a rape or incest exception — had Bob wanting to reveal enough of his identity to prove he and Cruz aren’t the same person, but it was one final straw that pushed him over the edge.
Choosing Carly Fiorina as his Vice Presidential running mate “tore it” for Bob, and he decided to contact the media shortly thereafter.
“I may be a murdering scumbag who has hidden away from justice for the past forty years,” Bob told us, “but I don’t believe in making up bullshit lies about bullshit videos to take healthcare access way from poor and working class women. That’s just really, really scummy if you ask me.”
When asked, Bob said that he’s hoping that Donald Trump knocks Cruz out of the primary election soon so that he doesn’t have to reveal more about himself and risk going to jail for his crimes. He said, though, that even “dying in the gas chamber” would be a better fate than “being mentioned in the same breath as Ted Cruz, let alone having your identity mixed-up with his.”
This is a developing story.