Random Woman: I have no clue who the fuck the guy that just endorsed Trump is.

FAIR GLEN, MINNESOTA — Susan J. Wilkins is an American citizen. She’s 38 years old, lives in Minnesota with her husband and three children, and considers herself a politically active person, but by her own admission “isn’t up on everything political.” That’s why she says she has “no clue who the fuck guy that just endorsed Trump is.”

When Wilkins contacted us, she told us that she had heard on the news that “some celebrity” had just endorsed Donald Trump’s presidential campaign. When she heard the word celebrity, she told us she had assumed that meant “someone famous that everyone knows and would recognize” had endorsed the billionaire reality-TV star. Instead, she was completely befuddled by the news stories she read.

“I’m looking at this guy who just Trump because he says that Donald speaks like he does,” Wilkins told us, “and I know he’s supposed to be a celebrity, but I mean, aren’t celebrity’s supposed to be famous and stuff? This guy just sounds like a garden variety, low-information douchebag voter.”

After hiring the top private investigation firm in the country, we were able to ascertain the identity of the unknown “celebrity” who had endorsed Trump’s campaign. We gave that information to Wilkins in a series of news clippings, as well as selected parts of his acting reel, as he was allegedly an actor for a time in the 1980’s, though experts in the field tell us what he was doing could hardly be considered acting by any normal standard of measure.

“Nope, sorry,” Wilkins said, “still have no idea who the fuck that is.”

We sent Wilkins a copy of the IMDb page for the man who endorsed Trump. When she called back, Wilkins said, “Can you hear me shrugging over the phone? Because I literally don’t know and I don’t even care who this dude is anymore.”

Ms. Wilkins said she performed an informal poll of her friends and family and “literally no one knew who this Scott Mayo guy is” and that “even if they did have an idea who he was, they asked why the hell they should care if he endorses Trump or not.” Susan told us that she would listen to a lot of people’s endorsements and take them into consideration but “not washed up, irrelevant sitcom actors.”

“Maybe he’s hoping to have a job in the government if Trump’s elected,” Susan said, “but I mean, what would you put a guy like that in charge of? I can’t imagine putting him in charge of anything. No, he should definitely not be in charge of anything, ever.”

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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