HATCHET BAY, IOWA — With current primary polling data putting him near the absolute bottom of the list of people vying for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination, Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) is getting “very angsty” these days, according to sources within his campaign, and that’s why he spent all of Monday morning and afternoon flailing his arms at cameras planted in front of a rally being held in Iowa by Donald J. Trump.
“Senator Paul knows that his time is indeed very limited if he’s going to be able to focus on losing his Senate seat after he loses the nomination,” Deputy Assistant Social Media Liaison Susan Felter told the media as Paul was seen in the background jumping up and down over and over again, his arms violently swaying from side to side as he tried to get one of the cameras to notice him. Felter said that even though Paul and his rabid group of supporters — that make up roughly 2% of the voting public — know that he is the only person remotely capable of doing the job since his father, Ron Paul The Great, has retired from politics, “apparently 98% of Republicans and about the same number of Democrats wouldn’t piss him out if he was on fire.”
Another source even closer to Senator Paul says that he is considering dramatically increasing the number of “carnival side show stunts,” as the source put it, that the Kentucky Republican has been staging as part of his campaign. Sen. Paul has mutilated or destroyed a copy of the IRS’ tax code in several cities throughout the country, but now he is feeling like he “needs to step it up,” the same anonymous source told us. Even when he lubed-up and fornicated with a copy, he didn’t get the kind of explosive, viral reaction he was sure he’d get.
“If even eating and shitting a copy of the tax code isn’t enough to get me elected,” Paul is quoted as telling one high-level aide in his campaign, “then I guess this country has been even more fundamentally changed by the socialist agenda of the statists in our government than I had initially thought.” Dabbing away tears with rags made from the substance he calls “hair” on the top of his head, Senator Paul was then reportedly heard roaming the halls of his hotel muttering “audit the fed” over and over under his breath.
With just a matter of days left before the first primary votes are cast, Senator Paul doesn’t poll high enough to be invited to the prime time Republican debates anymore.