PINE CONE, NEW HAMPSHIRE — Aides for Sen. Rand Paul say that at this hour their boss is in stable condition after being found in a hotel conference room after a campaign rally, huddled in a corner, muttering “We must audit the fed” over and over again. Officials for the Kentucky Republican’s campaign told The Political Garbage Chute that despite what the polls might indicate, Sen. Paul is in fact still running for president, but that his low polling numbers and seeming dearth of excitement for his “libertarian” message, reportedly have him worried and nervous. After a tepid response from a smallish crowd at the Quality Comfort Inn in Pine Cone, New Hampshire, staffers say Paul left the dais he was speaking from and disappeared into another conference room at the hotel.
“We found Senator Paul, curled up in the fetal position, crying his eyes out and saying we have to audit the Federal Reserve,” one staffer told us, “and he just kept saying it over and over again.” Paul entered the race earlier this year, and many pundits expected him to garner quite a bit more support than have shown up in polls. Many conservative and libertarian pundits are blaming the entrance of Donald Trump for watering down the prospects of candidates like Paul and Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, as Trump has been unabashedly generous with the kind of rhetoric — anti-immigrant and pro-big business — that Paul and Walker would rely on to whip up support for their campaigns.
Campaign staff alerted law enforcement when they found Senator Paul was wallowing in a mysterious and viscous substance, and they suspected foul play. However, preliminary forensic tests have given a more benign explanation, though Paul’s staff likely wouldn’t be very comforted by the news.
“The substance that Senator Paul was writhing around in,” Officer William Banks told reporters, “has been positively identified as the collected tears and semen of all the angry, white, 20-something conservative males who really, genuinely thought that Rand would be able to make their extremely selfish, shortsighted and historically ignorant views of governance more palatable to the masses, and instead found that most people are able to tell that Mr. Paul and his father are just pining for a time when people could be openly rude and horrible to people without public consequences.”
Speaking on the condition of anonymity and a pack of Yu-Gi-Oh trading cards, one Rand Paul volunteer told us that he “felt just terrible that the Chosen One hasn’t been more popular with voters so far” but that he is confident “that once the Sheeple of America wake up and realize that only by going backwards to the 19th century and giving big business every single soul-crushing, dehumanizing thing they want, we will all die in a fire” that Paul’s numbers will improve. “He just has to outlast the other 25 candidates,” the aide told us.
“At a time when wealth distribution is dangerously out of whack,” one source close to Senator Paul told us, “when climate change is rapidly impacting our way of life, and when our economy is clearly in a state of major flux, shifting away from manufacturing and into service and informational industries, of course the country should be focused on the bugaboos of the political movement that hates government and doesn’t trust the Federal Reserve, and not fixing those problems that only liberals and socialists care about.”
Ultimately, says another staffer, “it’s only a matter of time before the smart people in this country — you know, angry, white, 20-something males who haven’t actually accomplished anything with their lives yet — will rise up and deliver this great nation the president they deserve…a bat-shit crazy loon who thinks that people should have the right to discriminate against people of color and LGBT people because of some high-minded, misguided belief as to what being enlightened really means.”
“Until that day comes, of course, the sheeple will remain sheep and not elect the one, true Savior of Our Democracy, Senator Rand Paul. But of course, people in love with Barack Obummer’s cult of personality would never understand that,” the staffer told us as the interview ended.