Rand Paul Fornicates With Copy of Tax Code

STAR PINES, NEW HAMPSHIRE — Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) is running for the Republican nomination in next year’s presidential election. While he’s not really made any headway in climbing to the top of the polls, falling well-short of both Donald Trump and Jeb!, he’s certainly made several attempts to speak to the Republican base and win them over by video taping himself destroying copies of the U.S. tax code. He’s shredded, burned and chopped it up, but now the junior Kentucky Senator thinks he may have his best idea yet to show the American people just how much disdain he has for the taxes that provide him his yearly senatorial salary, and that would provide him his presidential paycheck should he actually win next year.

“I guess I have a love/hate relationship with the tax code,” Paul said in his most recent YouTube video. In it, he’s shirtless and not wearing any pants, but he does have a red, white and blue thong bikini bottom on. He speaks directly into the camera, biting his lower lip suggestively, if not subconsciously, as he talks. “I mean, I really do hate it. Because as we know taxes are not the mutual price we all pay for the nice things in society we take advantage of without even realizing it, but instead are theft, perpetrated by a man with a gun because that’s how 12 year olds and libertarians view taxes, but on the other hand, it pays my bills yo! So it got me to thinking.”

Ultimately, Paul says in the campaign video that has since been pulled down, Paul “decided the negatives outweigh the positives” so it was “time for a truly perfect demonstration of what I would do to this tax code if [voters] were to make [him] your next president.” Paul then slips down his thong, and a rather small bit of pixelation then begins to obscure his penacular area. Paul then is seen bending down out of frame and comes back up holding a bottle of KY Jelly personal lubricant. “It ain’t no mistake that this Kentuckian’s gonna do some Kenfuckian with this K-Y Jelly. Get it? Kentucky. K-Y? I’m saying that KY is the state abbreviation and it’s what I’m going to put on my pecker now.”

“If you elect me, you can expect me to fuck this tax code. And I will fuck it so right. If you thought Ronald Reagan could fuck a tax code good, wait ’til you see me fuck it. If you think George W. Bush could really fuck a tax code hard, wait until you unleash a sociopathic libertarian on that bad boy,” Paul says as he sidles up to the tax code, rubbing it slowly. “I’ll gut funding to everything. Every. Damn. Thing,” he emphasizes, “because no one actually wants to enjoy the fruits of societal progress and evolution, right? We all just want to horde our cash piles under the mattress and only take some out every now and then to buy a gun or a new Bible or one of those cool Bible Guns I’ve seen advertised on InfoWars!”

But just as he is entering the tax code, a sudden shift comes over Paul’s face. He is conflicted. “You know, I used to hate this thing,” Paul said, “that’s why I’d destroy it by shredding it, taking a chainsaw to it, and even burning it. But I realized something last week. I’ve been spending so much time with this tax code, and I found myself gazing into its eyes, and one night it just hit me. I really want to put my penis into that tax code.”

“And as I enter it now, the full weight and girth of my two and a half inches of solid man meat engulfed by its tax-y goodness, I realize now, I don’t hate taxes. Clearly I don’t,” Paul says in the video. “Clearly I don’t actually hate taxes. I don’t even charge when I practice ophthalmology anymore, that’s how much I love my taxpayer funded paycheck. I fly all over the country and the world on the taxpayer’s dime. So yeah, I don’t hate taxes at all, now that I think about it, my pulsating weenie all up in this thing.”

After about thirty seconds of rigorous hip thrusting, the scene eventually fades to black, then fades back up on Rand sitting in a hammock, his lower regions covered with a towel. He’s eating cherries out of a bowl. “Damn, that was nice. Really nice America. Now, don’t you want to elect a guy who does stupid YouTube stunts to be the one to have all the nuclear launch codes and shit? I thought so. God Bless America, God Bless Me, and most importantly, God Bless Me again.”

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This