Rand Paul Anxious For Taxpayer Funded Healthcare To Help Him Recover So He Can Take Away Taxpayers’ Taxpayer Funded Healthcare

COAL HOLE, KENTUCKY — After a recent brutal attack by his neighbor, Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) has been recovering from injuries that include broken ribs. This week, Senator Paul appeared on a right-wing oriented podcast and talked about the attack as well as his recovery and the healthcare costs associated with it.

“Well, I gotta say I think that the Good Lord Above surely did bless me,” Paul told the podcast’s hosts, “because yes, being attacked and having your ribs broken is terrible. It’s a terrible experience. But by the grace of God I am able to convalesce and not worry about the bills because the taxpayers are footing them.”

While the motives for the attack are still very unclear, Paul says he’s ready to “move one” and let the courts “do their thing” while he heals up and gets his strength back. He says he’s going to need it, because “once taxpayers are done paying” for the care he needs to recover, he has a very important job to do.

“Ripping away healthcare from taxpayers who pay for both their care and mine,” Senator Paul said, “You know, ‘cuz liberty and freedom and Constitution and taxes are theft and Ayn Rand was right and reasons and stuff and such and long-winded diatribes with multi-syllabic words that are meant to make my fiscal sociopathy seem normal. You get it.”

Senator Paul says that he knows his constituents understand how “vital and necessary hypocrisy is to reducing the size of government.”

“Let me ask you this,” Paul asked reporters outside a deli this morning, “Which is worse — my hypocrisy, or asking rich people to help out more? What’s more un-American and against my so-called Christian values — taking taxpayer dollars to pay for my salary and healthcare while taking away taxpayer subsidies that help people afford their doctors, or socialism straight from the pits of Hell? Because that’s clearly what Obamacare is.”

Paul insists that the American people support his endeavors.

“You ask any average, good, clean, ammo hoarding, red meat eating, pussy grabbing, Alabama pedophile defending Christian American patriot and they will tell you without hesitation,” Senator Paul said, “I am doing God’s work by making life for poor people worse. It’s right there in the gall-danged Bible, folks.”

More satire to read:

Roy Moore: “It Was Just Locker Room Sexual Predation!”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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