Screeching, Racist Broom Handle In A Blonde Wig To Fill In For Vacationing Tammy Lahren

DALLAS, TEXAS — The Blaze Network — right-wing pundit Glenn Beck’s media company — has announced that one of their top hosts will be taking a scheduled vacation next week, and they have named her replacement while she’s out. Lahren has soared to prominence over the last year as a millennial’s version of Ann Coulter. Blonde and fiery, Lahren’s fast-paced rants against Black Lives Matter, Colin Kaepernick, and pretty much anything that has a center-left perspective, Tammy has been one of the most polarizing figures to come out of right-wing punditry to date.

“Tammy’s been working really hard for us since the start of the election last year,” Blaze TV assistant programming lead Hans Militante told reporters on a conference call this morning, “and we think she’s earned herself a respite.”

Militante said that the network didn’t want Lahren’s viewers to “get confused” when they didn’t see her familiar face or hear her “trademark pedantic screeching,” so his staff worked diligently and came up with someone they believe will have “many of the same familiar things Tammy has made us all grow to love so very much.”

“This broom handle here is very racist,” Militante said, “and once we put this blonde wig on it, we don’t think many of our viewers will really be able to tell the difference.”

Mr. Militante said that The Blaze staff had even come up with ways to ensure that the broom handle delivers the same message in the same way that Tammy Lahren presents hers.

“We knew Tammy was going to be going on vacation for some time because we’d planned it out all in advance,” Militante said, “so we went out into the street and recording screeching tires from about sixty different cars. We figure if we just play that sound over an image of the broom handle’s flapping mouth, we may get our highest ratings yet.”

Reached for comment, Ms. Lahren said she was “totes stoked” that Blaze TV had found “such a way-rad replacement” for herself, and that she was “like, fersher, totally” looking foward to seeing the broom handle in action.

“Wellonething Iknowforsure isthatthebroomhandle,” Lahren said while pausing a nanosecond for breath, “won’tbesome betamalecucksnowflake. So we’re like, totallynotgonnaworryaboutitall, y’all!”

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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