Quebec Shooter Thanks Sub-President Trump For Bringing Attention To Terror Attacks Ignored By Mainstream Media

QUEBEC CITY, QUEBEC — The man who opened fire on a Mosque in Quebec in December of 2016, killing six and injuring more has sent a letter to the Sub-President of the United States, thanking him for “shedding light” on underreported or unreported terror attacks.

“Dear Sub-President Trump,” Alexandre Bissonnette’s letter begins, “thank you so very much for using your enormous power to force the liberal media to pay more attention to the world around them.”

Bissonnette was referring to the fact that the Bannon Administration said yesterday that Sub-President Trump believes the media does not report on terror attacks perpetrated by Muslims enough. On Air Force One during a media gaggle, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer told reporters that the administration would be furnishing the media with a list of attacks they claim the press has either ignored or not reported on enough. When that list was provided to the press, it was found that they were all covered by the media fairly extensively.

“Even though your list of terror attacks was largely reported on and failed to list my attack for some reason,” Bissonnette’s letter continued, “I am still very proud of and want to thank you profusely for shedding light on radical Islamic terrorism.”

Bissonnette says in his letter he’s confident that Trump is doing the “correct God’s work” and that without Trump, “perhaps no one would even know what terrorism or Islamic terrorism are.”

“You are doing God’s work,” the letter states, “and not just God, but the correct God’s work. I fully believe that without you out there stoking the fires, keeping people outraged, scared, and paranoid, perhaps no one would even know what terrorism or Islamic terrorism are. You are a hero, Sub-President Trump, and I cannot thank you enough!”

The letter also thanks Trump’s “whole administration” and “especially those who are willing to make friends with Russia, compromising their love of true freedom, to fight a holy war against Muslims.”

“Sure, many people think being dragged into a jihad with ISIS is exactly what they want,” the letter says, “but I am so very grateful that you all are making sure that people stay appropriately angry, irrationally fearful, and downright distrustful of all Muslims, even though we bristle if all we Christians are compared to abortion clinic bombers or the Westboro Baptist Church. Because our version of the Abrahamic God is the right one.”

Mr. Bissonnette again thanked Trump and Bannon for keeping his name out of the headlines while also simultaneously “fear mongering about Muslims.” The Bannon Administration sent Bissonnette a thank you card and a $25 gift card to Buffalo Wild Wings, which he can use if he’s ever released from prison.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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