QAnon Shaman Released From Prison Early and Sent to Halfwit House

Jacob Chansley, the self-appointed “QAnon Shaman” who helped storm the nation’s capitol on January 6th, 2021, has been released from federal prison fourteen months early.

Mr. Chansely, who most Americans will always remember for wearing Viking horns, painting his face in red, white, and blue, and traipsing shirtless through the halls of Congress carrying an American flag tipped with a spear, will not be going directly back home, however. Instead, he will be sent to a halfwit home, specifically set aside for idiots who get a procedural, early release.

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“We can confirm that Jacob Chansley was transferred to our facility early this morning, and he is already fitting in quite nicely with his fellow morons,” Gary Tomjonavich, who runs the halfwit house, told reporters this morning. “We’ll keep Mr. Chansely plenty busy during his stay here. He’s already been trying to fit round blocks in square holes for the last two hours.”

Mr. Chansley said through his lawyers that he is grateful for the chance to leave federal prison, and promised he’ll only commit much less infamous acts of domestic terrorism in the future. Chansley said he plans to start making income as soon as he’s released from the halfwit house by publishing a pro-MAGA cookbook full of recipes that include sweat from Donald Trump’s testicles, taint, or anus.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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